Jewish World Review June 18, 2009 / 26 Sivan 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi arrived at the White House for meetings Monday. He's embroiled in a sex scandal involving himself and an eighteen-year-old actress. The reason he's in less trouble than David Letterman is that he's not kidding.
David Letterman was picketed in New York Tuesday for joking that Sarah Palin's daughter got knocked up by Alex Rodriguez. Protesters clogged the street outside his TV studio. He's in so much trouble that A.C. Cowlings drove him home to Connecticut.
David Letterman apologized profusely to Governor Sarah Palin on the air Monday after sponsors complained to the network about him and threatened to bolt. Suddenly he has more in common with Sarah Palin than he thought. He's in the middle of contract renewal negotiations with CBS and when he looks outside his window he can see Siberia.
Iran banned all foreign reporters from the street riots in Tehran Tuesday but eyewitness reports did get Twittered. No one knows whether to take them seriously. Each Twitter consists of a hundred and forty characters, but then so did Animal House.
President Obama refused to criticize Iran's bloody crackdown Tuesday, saying he won't interfere. He referred to the Ayatollah as Supreme Leader. When Barack Obama returned the bust of Winston Churchill he replaced it with one of Neville Chamberlain.
Tehran was the site of huge street protests Sunday following the election and demonstrators were beaten bloody by the police. Thank goodness the Los Angeles police have an alibi. Everybody knows they were beating people at the Staples Center.
Prince William was reportedly house shopping in Malibu Monday. How shrewd. The best way to get even with Mel Gibson for all his movies ripping England is to wait until he's desperate for divorce money, then buy his house for ten cents on the dollar.
Michelle Obama and grade-school kids harvested lettuce on the White House lawn on TV Tuesday. Lucky she was in Washington. In California if you're foolish enough to film children picking lettuce you have to pay them the Screen Actors Guild minimum.
The Congressional Budget Office said the president's health care plan will cost one trillion three hundred billion dollars. The number stunned everyone. Michael Jordan saw it in the newspaper and wondered how his divorce settlement became public.
Bermuda offered to take in Guantanamo detainees Thursday, a day after the South Pacific isle of Palau volunteered to take them. It fulfills a prophecy. Osama bin Laden promised them if they joined al-Qaeda they would someday be greeted in paradise.
Sonny and Cher's daughter Chastity reportedly underwent a sex change operation and became a man. It's a shock. The forty-year-old gay activist had been active in the lesbian community but no one had any idea she was dating Lorena Bobbitt.
David Carradine's naked picture was splashed in tabloids in Thailand, showing him wearing a woman's wig and fishnet stockings after he hanged himself during an autoerotic sex act. Be careful what you wish for. At his last birthday party David Carradine blew out the candles and wished that someday he'd be famous for something beside Kung Fu.
The White House ordered banks to freeze thirty million dollars that is owed to online poker winners Thursday. Poker is a game where good lying skills are richly rewarded. You'd think politicians would leave them alone out of professional courtesy.
Venezuela ordered Coca-Cola to pull its zero-calorie Coke Zero from their grocery store shelves. It's a break for the soft drink maker. The world has always loved their product and they'll pay a lot more for it now that it's an illegal product.
U.S. television stations began broadcasting on the digital spectrum Friday, which left two million Americans who didn't get the digital box in time without television reception. The government stepped right in. Barack Obama impersonators were sent door-to-door to drone on about health care to people whose televisions weren't working.
President Obama flew to Green Bay Thursday where he hosted a town hall meeting about national health care. The crowd was eager and friendly and glad to see him. How often do you get to personally hand your resume to the president of General Motors?
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton