Jewish World Review June 4, 2009 / 12 Sivan 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
General Motors sold its Hummer division to a plastics manufacturer in China on Tuesday. It makes sense for China to own Hummer. For years they've been looking for a smaller, lighter, more fuel-efficient tank to run over their democracy protesters.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa was reported Monday to be having an extramarital affair with a second female news anchor. He came close to being a national figure. Had Hillary Clinton been elected president he would have been Bill Clinton's stunt double.
The Los Angeles Lakers host game one of the NBA Finals Thursday at the Staples Center. The city has really changed since its last NBA title. All the neighborhoods which used to riot when the Lakers won would only riot today if Sotomayor loses.
Sonia Sotomayor met with Senate Republicans Tuesday. They said she's a delight but they don't know if they'll vote for her. They don't have the richness of her experience as a wise Latina woman so they make decisions by examining all the evidence.
Susan Boyle was taken to a London asylum crying for her pet cat after she lost Britain's Got Talent Saturday. No wonder the show is so popular. Putting amateurs on television is just a more sophisticated way of frying ants with a magnifying glass.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner was forced to rent his New York suburban home Monday after he was unable to sell it for more than he owed on it. It could have bankrupted him. Thank Heaven at the last minute the Chinese agreed to buy the guest house.
President Obama speaks in Cairo today on U.S.-Muslim relations over Arab TV. He plans to discuss his Muslim roots. One day Barack Obama will have to watch the tape of this speech the way Bill Buckner watches that ground ball rolling through his legs.
President Obama flew to Saudi Arabia Wednesday to discuss energy. He's the only automaker who doesn't mind high oil prices. They will help him sell Chevy Volts, and besides, GM's fast cars always wind up with Confederate decals on the back windows.
The U.S. government mistakenly released the location of all U.S. nuclear sites and now everyone knows where we keep our uranium. This only makes global unemployment a lot worse. Spies have just been added to the list of people whose jobs are obsolete.
The White House ordered U.S. embassies worldwide to invite Iran's ambassadors to their Fourth of July picnics next month. The president wants to reach out without having formal relations. He can get away with this as long as he doesn't leave a stain on the blue dress.
The National Hurricane Center predicted Monday a dozen hurricanes will hit the Gulf and Atlantic coasts this season. It won't stop the migration. In New York you can have a multi-million-dollar house and pay a fortune in taxes, and in Florida you can have a multi-million-dollar house and get a fortune in hurricane rebuilding money.
The Real Housewives of Washington D.C. was reported to be a new reality show in production. In one episode, a senator's wife is horrified to discover her husband in bed. She was turning tricks at the time and there was a scheduling mix-up.
Nancy Pelosi declared in China that people must open every aspect of their lives to personal inventory in the battle against global warming. She wants to control what light bulb you use, what car you may drive, what food you may eat and where to set your thermostat. How does she get away with calling herself pro-choice?
California cut off money to house new mental hospital patients, causing an outcry from psychiatrists and therapists. The state simply can't afford to keep up with the need. Every day thousands more cases come over the border from Wonderland.
The White House is considering a twenty-five percent national sales tax. That's on top of cola, liquor and tobacco taxes. Warren Buffet weathered this recession because thirty years ago he bought a pack of Marlboros and held it in his retirement account.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton