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What makes a great parent? By Rabbi Binyomin Ginsberg
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Over the past few days I have been asked the following questions:
All the questions above share one thing in common: they address
after-the-fact situations. The parents were looking for answers on
how to deal with problems that had already occurred. It is rare for a
parent to question how to do something to prevent a problem from
happening in the first place.
As I thought about why parents were not dealing proactively to
prevent these situations, I reflected on this noteworthy title, parent. If you don't agree the title is that special, contemplate the title we use
for Abraham, Isaac, Jacob: Avinu, our Father. And Sarah, Rebecca,
Rachel, and Leah: Imeinu, our Mother.
Before entering any profession, it is a foregone conclusion that
some form of training is necessary. We must study the profession and
its demands, learn the skills required, and understand the rules and
exceptions. The more complicated the profession, the more intense
the training … but with parenting, the most demanding occupation,
we are shoved into the deep end of the pool, without first learning
how to swim.
The message in this article is not to take parenting classes before
becoming a parent. We must also
understand why parenting needs to be learned.
If the title of this article grabbed your attention, I will share the
one consistent ingredient that makes a great parent. In formulating a
list of parents I regard as great parents, I noticed an interesting trend.
Each and every one was a proactive, thinking parent.
I chuckle when I am introduced as a parenting expert. I don't
have greater wisdom than any other parent. However, the one thing
that may qualify me as an expert is the amount of time I think about
parenting issues, not only on how to deal with an existing problem.
Rather, the thinking is one of prevention. Our grandparents did not
have the conveniences and luxuries that we enjoy today, but many
took the time to stop and think about the chinuch (educational/character development) of their children
preventively and proactively.
As busy as my father was, I recall his
frequent visits to my yeshivah to see how I was doing.
We must ask ourselves some serious questions. Do we take an
interest in our children only after we have received a call from the
teacher that there is a problem? Do we stop ourselves often enough and
ask if there is anything we can do to make things better for our children?
A great parent is one who asks the proactive and preventive
questions and acts upon them.
We know that we are not to make major purchases for a child
before the child is born. However, soon after the birth, we outfit the
child's room and wardrobe with the best and nicest we can afford. Do we use the same approach in the way we raise our children? As the
child reaches each stage of life, do we proactively plan for the next
stage?
Let us use one example to illustrate and strengthen the point. We
will address the universal parenting issue of attending parent-teacher
night. Yes, it's inconvenient to stop what we are doing and take the
time to go to PTA, but it is undeniably vital to show our children that
we think of and care about them. Let's assume that two boys in the
same class bring home a note that PTA will be held in the following
week. One boy is doing well academically and has no obvious
social issues; the other is a below-average student who sometimes
(or more than sometimes) acts out in class and is "the class clown,"
whose teacher has already contacted the parents several times during
the school year. Which boy's parents will go to the meeting and for
which boy is it important that his parents attend?
Every teacher knows that it is more likely that the first boy's parents
will attend, to be met with the laughing greeting, "So, you came
for your nachas (familial pride) report?" And, while the second boy's parents should
surely attend to discuss their child's academic and social issues, the
answer to the second question may surprise you: it is vital for both of
these boys that their parents attend! True, the problem student needs
parental guidance and intervention, but the student who is doing well
also must see that his parents think he is important enough for them
to go to PTA and talk personally with his teacher.
For each child,
the knowledge that his parents are interested enough to take time out
for him will boost his confidence in his own value to them. This feeling
is priceless and there is a far greater probability that the child will
wish to emulate his parents' values and behavior.
Another way of understanding the importance of proactive parenting
is to compare parenting to financial investing. Which of the
following would we consider a healthy investor? Is it the one who
researches various companies impulsively to invest and reaches a
thought-out decision or is it the one who impulsively sells his shares
when informed that there is a problem with his portfolio? It is obviously
the first one, and the same applies to parenting: advanced thinking is the key.
Raising children effectively is a multifaceted undertaking and a
major responsibility. Even a parent who has succeeded with the first
child may need a different set of rules and a different approach for
each succeeding child in order to meet the child's individual needs.
We must do all we can to ensure our child's success, relative to that
child's abilities and interest. Being a great parent is a lifelong pursuit
that requires heartfelt prayer. We must pray for Divine assistance and
plead with the Master of the Universe to guide our children to make the
right choices.
May our prayers to raise fine children be answered!
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