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Jewish World Review June 18, 2008 / 15 Sivan 5768 Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | It doesn't win me any points with the other Mommies, but I tend to loudly yell "BOOOOOOO!" and make lots of exaggerated thumbs-down gestures whenever a kid skips up to the stage to receive a perfect attendance certificate at the end of the school year. Sure, it's a little unorthodox, some might even say rude, but I don't think it's any ruder than risking everybody else's health just so you can get a stupid fill-in-the-blank award certificate from Office Depot. You know what we got for your kid's perfect attendance? The month of March with a scaly rash and violently unpredictable diarrhea. Well. You asked. They usually present the Perfect Attendance award at that tasty combo platter that is the year-end assembly, awards presentation, fifth-grade graduation and nacho bar. It gores my ox every single year. Hence the booing. "What's wrong with you?" asked my fitness freak mommy friend. "You just booed a child. Who does that?" "BOOOOOOOO!!!" "Stop it! Those kids are going to get their feelings hurt. Here. Have some edamame. It'll keep your mouth shut." Fit Mommy is always able to wrestle huge Ziploc bags of edamame from her purse at any given time. I just laugh because I grew up surrounded by soybean fields and hog corn, both utterly useless when faced with actually needing to prepare FOOD. While the guidance counselor gave with the left and shook with the right and the proud kid with the WET, HACKING COUGH blew his nose on his shirt and waved happily to the crowd, I turned to "Edda." "He's a snot factory. Same as the rest of them. Look at 'em. They're so stressed out trying to get that Perfect Attendance certificate that now half the third grade has Fifth's Disease. If it weren't for kids like him, there probably wouldn't have ever been a first through fourth disease. Hey! Thanks for coming to school with a 103 DEGREE FEVER, LOSER!" Edda scurried away to find another seat but I just raised my voice. Like a crazy person. "Look at that woman with the camcorder," I hissed to no one in particular. "Her kid hasn't missed a day in FIVE YEARS. I heard his appendix burst one Thursday and she told him that's what weekends are for." Which is my point. The parents are the ones driving this nuttiness. Last week, a Michigan teen-ager's parents gave her a new car for having never missed a day of school from kindergarten through senior year. The family told reporters that she made it every day even "despite colds." Who'd have thought it? Colds in Michigan? I hear they're spread by being SNEEZED ON by sick people who come to school just so they can get a stinkin' Pontiac. And all the edamame in the world isn't going to make you feel better. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here. Trendy new ailment not for everybody What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook? Shagadelic on the dance floor Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing Little wonder many voters are confused Sound bites not easy in Southern I swear it's not my fault Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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