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Jewish World Review June 25, 2008 / 22 Sivan 5768 Honesty in the name of fashion By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | If you've been shopping for fashionable ladies' clothing lately (not you, Clay Aiken!), you may have noticed the weird naming trend embraced by mall fixtures like Ann Taylor, Banana Republic and Coldwater Creek. For instance, are you an "Audrey?" At Ann Taylor, that's the name of the pant that sits exactly on your natural waist, attends PTA meetings in a punctual manner and always volunteers to help make the Popsicle-stick arks at Vacation Bible School. Audrey is the Good Girl, while "Margo," with a slightly dropped waist, is more of a loose cannon. Margo votes Democratic and once painted her dining room walls cathouse red "just because." A few racks over, "Lindsey," sits lowest of all on the waist. It's easy to imagine Audrey hanging on the rack and sniping that Lindsey really should act her age, not prance about looking like a 16-year-old sucking on frozen lemonade at Forever 21 where all of the clothes are probably named "Paris." Over at Coldwater Creek, you can choose from the uber natural sounding "Willow," "Ivy," "Brook" and "Holly" clothing lines. The clothes don't look particularly outdoorsy so the names are puzzling, but they're not nearly as curious as the ones at Banana Republic: "Martin," "Jackson" and "Harrison." I don't know where they get the idea that women want to buy clothes named after dead presidents. I can't wait to see if the naming trend sifts down market to, say, Wal-Mart and Kmart, where things may get a little more real. Frankly, Margo doesn't really tell me anything. A pair of jeans named "Reba Fay" or "Sha-Nae-Nae" tells me right away that they're gonna fit perfectly. It would be easier if they named jeans for celebrities so you'd know exactly what you were getting without even having to try 'em on ... "Mary Kate" for itty-bitty jeans that come with a cartoonishly oversized Starbuck's latte; "Angelina Jolie" for jeans that are sold with two tiny Malawian orphans stitched right into the back pockets; "Katie Holmes" jeans which spell out "help me!" in the fabric if examined very closely; and "Dina Lohan" for jeans that look OK from a distance but, when you get closer, are actually completely transparent. For men, there could be "Ryan Seacrest" jeans, made entirely of cheese, and "John Mayer" jeans, which, when removed, become instantly bored and walk themselves over to the house of the next "it" girl in Hollywood. Victoria's Secret, once famous for its sweet-sounding "Emma" line, seems to be going in a different direction these days. The company's much-ballyhooed bra, the Ipex Wireless, doesn't scream sexy romance; it just reminds me that it's time to pay my cell phone bill. Something tells me that Audrey would approve. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here. Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers Trendy new ailment not for everybody What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook? Shagadelic on the dance floor Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing Little wonder many voters are confused Sound bites not easy in Southern I swear it's not my fault Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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