Jewish World Review June 23, 2008 / 20 Sivan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
NASA reported on Friday the Phoenix Lander exploring Mars found what analysts believe is ice. Scientists were guarded. We don't know if there's actually life on Mars because the presence of ice doesn't by itself guarantee the presence of cocktails.
Safeway begin restocking its produce shelves with tomatoes Thursday despite the threat of salmonella poisoning. It's a humanitarian gesture. They know customers are suffering from high gasoline prices and they wanted to offer them an easy way out.
Tiger Woods decided Tuesday to sit out the PGA tour this year following his U.S. Open win. He had a broken left leg and a torn up left knee and he won the U.S. Open. It's the most incredible feat on one leg since Heather Mills attracted Paul McCartney.
Belgium released a study Tuesday proving men make bad judgments about alcohol and money whenever they see a woman in a bikini. It could be worse. Seeing women covered from head to toe causes men to fly planes into buildings, so take your choice.
Mississippi River flood levees broke in Iowa on Thursday. The flooding reduced pressure on the river and saved New Orleans. After one hundred and forty years of Reconstruction it's about time Union states picked up their share of the clean-up tab.
The Supreme Court made it easier Thursday for older workers to claim they have been discriminated against due to their age. Reaction was swift. The Republican National Committee just announced it will sue anybody who doesn't vote for John McCain.
Barack Obama's campaign named former U.S. Senator Sam Nunn as a potential running mate on Friday. He fills the bill. In order to keep the defense industry humming it's required that the vice president must either be Dick Cheney or look just like him.
South Africa's former president Nelson Mandela will be honored in Europe this week with a huge celebration on his ninetieth birthday. He spent twenty-five years in prison before he served in public office. In America we do it the other way around.
Martha Stewart was denied a visa to enter Great Britain Friday due to her past conviction and imprisonment for lying to the FBI. There's really no need for her to be there. They already have a Queen who knows how to decorate a house like a Protestant.
Los Angeles broiled under hundred-degree heat and smog alerts Thursday. That's not at all that's killing people who live out here. Gasoline is so expensive in Southern California that Lindsay Lohan has begun staying at the scene of the accident.
New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices fall five dollars a barrel Thursday on news of price hikes in China. It's still in record territory. Hookers in New York report they're making more money siphoning gasoline than they are turning tricks.
Continental Airlines cut routes and cities Thursday in a desperate bid to make money. There's always a way. United Airlines has begun making money hand over fist by charging Los Angeles passengers fifteen dollars for each item of emotional baggage.
Disney World was reported Friday to be bracing for slow summer business due to the record high gasoline prices. One travel agent is doing huge business selling virtual vacations. You stay home for two weeks and overtip every third person you see.
Ronald Reagan's would-be assassin John Hinckley was accused Thursday of using his mental hospital release time to carry on four simultaneous love affairs with women. He's not dangerous as long as they understand one thing. Eight o'clock means eight o'clock.
Reverend Al Sharpton's money operations came under IRS investigation Friday in Harlem. The flamboyant Democrat never thought he'd get caught. It was a mistake for him to list his anticipated payment for slavery reparations as collateral for a loan.
Eliot Spitzer's wife Silda hosted her annual charity event in New York Tuesday, two months after his hooker scandal. She stood by him as he confessed to stepping outside his marriage. It qualifies her to run for president on the Democratic ticket.
Barack Obama accuser Larry Sinclair told reporters Thursday he had gay sex and snorted cocaine with Obama nine years ago. However, he flunked a lie-detector test. People who use crystal meth because they cannot afford cocaine never like to admit it.
Barack Obama refused eighty-five million dollars in public campaign financing available to him Thursday. He said he needs to raise more money to fight the GOP interest group ads. For every one commercial they run of Barack Obama wearing a Muslim robe in Africa, he has to run three commercials of John McCain in bed with a lobbyist.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton