Jewish World Review June 17, 2008 / 14 Sivan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Weather Channel showed video Saturday of flooding in Iowa spreading misery everywhere. The water is way too contaminated to drink. There's so much mercury in the Des Moines River that doctors are taking their patients' temperatures with catfish.
Ken Griffey Jr. hit his six hundredth career home run last week on the road. He got a standing ovation from fans for doing it without steroids, unlike others. He's so ruined the curve that UCLA's admissions office named him an honorary Asian student.
Microsoft's Hotmail had a glitch discovered in its spellcheck Friday. It says Obama is correctly spelled Osama. If you think that's awful, imagine the career problems caused by e-mails going out to publicists to promote actress Hitler Locklear.
Scarlett Johansson praised Barack Obama Thursday and said she can't believe he takes the time to answer her e-mails to him. This may hurt him in the eyes of his followers. If Mary Magdalene looked like Scarlett Johansson, we'd all still be Jewish.
Barack Obama called Friday for a huge hike in Social Security taxes for higher incomes. You never promise to raise taxes while running for president. Apparently bad tomatoes don't just give you salmonella, they can also give you Mondale Syndrome.
Exxon Mobil announced plans Friday to sell all their company-owned gas stations. It's probably due to liability costs. Last week two dozen gas station managers broke their necks from falling off the ladder they have to climb every day to raise prices.
Prince Charles paid off a three-hundred-and-fifty-seven-year-old debt Thursday owed by his ancestor Charles II to Worcester Clothiers in East Anglia. The tailor had made uniforms for the Cavaliers in the latter years of the English Civil War but he had gone unpaid due to holes in the uniforms. Baptists have always been good shots.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton