Jewish World Review June 16, 2008 / 13 Sivan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Scarlett Johansson said Wednesday she's shocked that Barack Obama takes the time to answer her e-mails. Good news at last. It's the first sign to comedians that after eight dreary years of honor and dignity in the White House, happy days are here again.
Barack Obama set up a website Wednesday called Stop the Smears to fire back at rumors circulating about him on the Internet. He's got to stop these rumors that he's Jesus. If he was born outside the United States he's not eligible to be president.
Barack Obama said Thursday his wife Michelle never used the word Whitey during any speech she ever gave to any crowd. He also just left his church for being too militant. He figures if John McCain doesn't need the black vote to win, neither does he.
Tiger Woods battled knee pain over the weekend during the U.S. Open. He must not alter his swing or other muscles could go out. The golf swing is the most unnatural act in all of sports, if you don't count the Cubs having the best record in baseball.
The Weather Channel showed Mississippi River flood damage in Iowa Friday which had the nation glued to the television set. Everyone's concern is understandable. The corn crops were soaked in two feet of water and that's really bad for your engine.
Ed McMahon was reported Thursday to have blown his two hundred million dollar fortune on get-rich-quick schemes. It all came apart the last few months. He could not have picked a worse time to sink everything into the gasoline-powered typewriter.
U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner introduced a bill on Tuesday to open up one thousand new immigrant visa slots for supermodels. New York's fashion industry needs a constant supply of new fashion models. The ones we have keep falling through the subway grates.
Barack Obama called Friday for higher Social Security taxes on people who make a quarter million a year. It set off a panic among rich Democrats. At least when the Clintons are called Marxists, we know they are talking about Groucho, Harpo and Chico.
Weather Channel founder John Coleman blamed Al Gore for high gas prices Friday, adding that the global warming frenzy is a fraud and a scam. This guy owes his career to Al Gore. Thanks to all the tornadoes, hurricanes and cyclones blamed on global warming, people stay tuned to the Weather Channel for the same reason they watched CBS News every night during the Cold War, you never know if this day is going to be your last.
Katie Couric said Wednesday the coverage of the Hillary Clinton campaign shows the accepted role of sexism in America. Other critics of the coverage cite liberal peer pressure to support a black man. Both sides agree something must be done about America being the world's only superpower, the sad legacy of the straight white male.
NASA launched a huge telescope into orbit Friday to get pictures of gamma rays darting around the universe. It will survey the entire sky in two orbits. If they find a gamma ray not wearing any panties they can sell the picture to Access Hollywood for big dough.
Budweiser was targeted Thursday in a hostile takeover bid by a Belgian brewery in Antwerp, as Dubai's royal family tried to buy the Chrysler Building in New York. Americans were horrified. They couldn't believe that the Japanese were willing to sell.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton