Jewish World Review June 11, 2008 / 8 Sivan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Universal Studios Tours reopened Friday after a spectacular fire sent flames hundreds of feet high across the movie lot. The fire marshal made them put it out. They should have cleared it with him before they opened the Hillary in Hell Adventure.
Big Brown finished dead last in the Belmont and lost his bid to win the Triple Crown on Saturday. The race had the second tragic ending of the season. The horse was taken off steroids a month ago and he ran so slow the jockey died of malnutrition.
The U.S. Open tees off Thursday, drawing golf fans from all over the nation to La Jolla. Gas there is five dollars a gallon. Hertz is promising its best customers if they'll rent an SUV for the weekend they can be upgraded to a subcompact for free.
Burma's ruling junta arrested a popular Burmese comedian Wednesday for telling jokes about their government. It's a rapidly spreading trend. In Russia political comedians have been banned from television and in America the Clintons were canceled.
The Gallup Poll released Monday showed that only twenty-two percent of Hillary Clinton's voters will vote for Barack Obama. The media is dancing carefully around the reason why. Anyone who suggests it might be race could lose Don Imus's radio show.
Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton met Friday to plan future strategy. He needs her help with the women's vote and she will help. She needs his help to retire her campaign liability but not even Jesus could force Bill Clinton to stop talking.
Barack Obama denied the alleged existence of videotape catching Michelle Obama using the word whitey in a rant against white people. She would never have said it. Michelle Obama graduated from Harvard Law School, not Harvard Divinity School.
Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones launched a video website Monday where you can watch them discuss Bill Clinton. It's a gold mine. They charge you two dollars to watch them talk about Bill Clinton's sex life and ten dollars to shut up and go away.
General Motors extended shifts at their hybrid electric car factory last week and shut down four GM plants that make gas guzzling SUVs. Buying hybrid electric cars reduces terrorism by fifty percent. They only support Saudi Arabia while going uphill.
Hillary Clinton's withdrawal Saturday caused no small concern at the cable news networks. Her never-say-die battle gave them record-high ratings. To make up for her loss they just offered tornado season a six-month extension at two million a week.
Hillary Clinton agreed to suspend her campaign Saturday at the urging of party leaders. She'll miss the campaign. She would have to move to Hollywood and lose thirty years in order to get that many people to pay for her lighting, makeup and hair.
Hollywood producer Aaron Spelling's widow Candy Spelling hit a one hundred and eighty thousand dollar jackpot from a slot machine on the Las Vegas Strip Thursday. Easy come, easy go. The next day she filled up her Escalade and lost it all.
Ed McMahon battled foreclosure on his six million dollar home in Beverly Hills Friday. There's no way he could have burned through fifty years of TV money by himself. Apparently when Johnny Carson died he left two of his ex-wives to Ed McMahon.
The Democratic convention's opening night gala found a sponsor Friday. The bash will be paid for by a New Orleans hurricane victims fund that's run by Democrats. New Orleans citizens refused to give away any rescue money unless it went for alcohol.
Washington D.C. cops revealed a plan to check the IDs of all drivers coming into rough neighborhoods at night. It's to reduce gang activity. There's only one other way to keep suburbanites from driving into the hood, but Wal-Mart refuses to sell crack.
Robert Gates fired top Air Force officials for accidentally shipping nuclear bomb triggers to Taiwan. They had ordered batteries. Yesterday a Taiwanese soldier started his jeep and six seconds later he realized his dream of visiting the Chinese mainland.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton