Jewish World Review June 8, 2008 / 5 Sivan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Weather Channel quoted climatologists Friday forecasting unusually violent storms this summer. No one's looking forward to the hurricane season. Everyone is tired of Democrats blaming it on global warming and Republicans blaming it on al-Qaeda.
O.J. Simpson's agent wrote a book saying O.J. confessed the murders to him as they smoked pot one night. He smokes pot to help him sleep. O.J. has trouble sleeping and his doctor told him the fastest way to overcome his insomnia is by stabbing sheep.
Brigitte Bardot was fined twenty thousand dollars by a French court last week for saying she thinks the influx of Muslims is ruining France. It doesn't seem fair. Hate speech can get you jail time in France while in America it gets you a radio show.
Yves St. Laurent died last week in Paris after a long career as a women's fashion designer and clothing manufacturer. One of his inventions was the women's pantsuit. It was the turquoise polyester that Hillary wore in Puerto Rico that killed him.
Hillary Clinton's friends said Friday she would accept the vice presidency. It fits her personality. Under our current system of government, the president plays the cheerful figurehead while the vice president is in charge of conquering the world.
Barack Obama's patron Tony Rezko was convicted of fraud and money-laundering by a Chicago jury Wednesday. Miraculously, the verdict came in a day after Obama clinched the party nomination. For Barack Obama's ministers, loaves and fishes are for amateurs.
Barack Obama clinched the Democratic nomination for president Tuesday. He made history with his campaign. Until this year, millions and millions of Americans had never voted for a black man unless it was on American Idol or the All-Star ballot.
Barack Obama used a plate to catch three pancakes flipped to him from ten feet away Monday. Everyone gasped in admiration. The secret to eating three pancakes and maintaining your thirty-two inch waist is to smoke when you're wife's not looking.
The Tudors was renewed for a third season by Showtime Monday. The last episode drew a massive number of viewers to see Anne Boleyn's public beheading. If Hillary Clinton doesn't behave herself, the ratings for the Democratic Convention could be huge.
Vanity Fair ran an article stating Bill Clinton was playing around with models and actresses and heiresses on the road. His motives are obvious. Bill Clinton is going to keep sleeping with women until he can find one who can get elected president.
Hillary Clinton sent hints to Barack Obama's campaign Thursday that she'd like to be his vice president. It's the safe decision. His Secret Service detail has enough reasons to stay on constant alert but this would really keep them on their toes.
Gary Hart said Wednesday Hillary Clinton should fight for the nomination all the way to the convention. He said he knows what it feels like to come close. Twenty years ago Gary Hart had the nomination in his hip pocket but he couldn't get his pants on.
Barack Obama said Thursday he'd prefer to have a debate with John McCain along the lines of the Lincoln-Douglas debates. It makes no sense. How are we going to have a post-racial candidacy that kicks off with a debate on the extension of slavery?
Jimmy Carter told the London Guardian Wednesday it'll be a nightmare ticket if Barack Obama chooses Hillary Clinton to be his running mate. That's saying something. The man who believes that Hamas and Israel can find common ground thinks there is no chance of reconciliation whatsoever between Hillary Clinton and Michelle Obama.
Ed McMahon battled foreclosure on his six-million-dollar home in Beverly Hills, citing his inability to make the mortgage payments. No one can believe he's burned through fifty years of television money. He could just kick himself for buying that Hummer.
General Motors announced Tuesday it's looking to sell the manufacturing rights to its Hummer in the belief that record-high gasoline prices will continue. The vehicle gets six miles a gallon. Only the war in Iraq costs more to run than a Hummer.
New York's new state excise tax kicked in Tuesday, which caused cigarette prices to hit an astounding twelve dollars per pack in New York City. You can already see the effects. Guys have begun faking a smoker's cough in order to pick up women in bars.
Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke expressed serious concerns about the U.S. dollar because its low value is a reason for high prices. One of these days G-d will ask to have his name removed from our money. He doesn't want to go into Chapter Eleven.
Canada's parliament sought Thursday to give U.S. military deserters sanctuary in Canada. It would help their economy. They did it for Vietnam war deserters forty years ago and it resulted in the world's finest marijuana being grown in British Columbia.
The White House sent Congress a plan to help Mexico halt drug trafficking. The police and drug dealers there are in an open war. It's breaking up families, with Baby Boomers rooting for one side and their parents and children rooting for the other.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton