Jewish World Review June 4, 2008 / 1 Sivan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Vanity Fair reported Sunday Bill Clinton has been carrying on with a ravishing entourage of women. Reaction was swift. His heart surgeon came to work at Columbia Presbyterian Hospital on Monday and found himself booked up for the next twenty years.
Hillary Clinton won the Puerto Rico Democratic presidential primary Sunday and she vowed to fight on. There's no reasoning with her. You can tell a Cubs fan that they've been mathematically eliminated on the first of June but they never believe it.
Barack Obama quit Chicago's Trinity United Church of Christ after another rant from the pulpit against white people. It's a militant church. Every Christmas the manger scene on the church lawn shows four Los Angeles cops standing over Rodney King.
Father Michael Pfleger apologized Sunday for remarks he made mocking Hillary Clinton at Obama's Chicago church. He can't believe the uproar. For the last four hundred years, raging against English Protestants got a guy promoted in his line of work.
Adolf Hitler's rocket scientist Ernst Stuhlinger died at ninety-two Friday. He was captured by U.S. troops and taken to America, where he devised guidance systems for NASA rockets and ICBMs. Only Mel Gibson was forgiven faster, and for the same thing.
Sex and the City was a hit Saturday about four fashion-loving women living the high life in New York. Not everybody enjoyed the movie. Straight men have begun picketing the theaters showing the movie demanding that the writers go back on strike.
Big Brown will go for the Triple Crown at the Belmont in New York on Saturday. His owners won't see a profit until he is put out to stud. This year the thoroughbred has won ten million dollars, but that doesn't nearly cover the price of his corn feed.
Al-Qaeda leaders found themselves facing protests from Muslim extremist women on Sunday. The women are upset al-Qaeda only allows men to become top terrorists. There's nothing so frustrating for women as being unable to blow up the glass ceiling.
Democratic Party officials agreed to seat the rule-breaking Michigan and Florida delegations at the Denver convention. However, they will get only a half-vote per person. It's the same deal Southern states got after the war for the next eighty years.
The Ford Theatre Society Sunday completed its fundraising for renovation. It's where Abe Lincoln was assassinated. He tried to hold America together and was shot for it, which explains why nobody will step forward to end the Democratic primary race
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton