Jewish World Review June 3, 2008 / 30 Iyar 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Barack Obama posed for cameras Friday at Mount Rushmore. It displays the faces of two slaveowners, an imperialist, and a guy who suspended habeas corpus. You'd think his campaign would be a bit more careful about who gets into a picture with him.
Oliver Stone signed Richard Dreyfuss to play Dick Cheney in his new movie about the life of President Bush. The actor lobbied hard for the role. Richard Dreyfuss worked with a great white shark in the movie Jaws, and he's always wanted to play one.
Big Brown could win the Triple Crown in the Belmont Saturday. He just sold for stud at a record price. His value went up even higher when breeders realized that riding him to work every day would save them five thousand dollars a year in gasoline.
The space shuttle took off for the Space Station Saturday to repair its busted toilet. It was built and installed by the Russians. The Pentagon used to charge NASA six thousand dollars per toilet and they have never looked like a bigger bargain.
Geraldine Ferraro accused Barack Obama on Friday of hiding behind his race to avoid criticism in the campaign. For her, it's about women's rights. She's angry that a black man will get to lose in a landslide to a white war hero when it's a woman's turn.
Barack Obama apologized for his pal Father Michael Pfleger's anti-white sermon at Obama's church last Sunday. These old radicals could bring him down. Every time Barack Obama and Patty Hearst are in the same room they have to pretend like they never met.
Hillary Clinton drank with reporters on her plane Friday and was photographed dancing in the aisle, holding a glass and looking tipsy. G-d has a plan for everybody. If she can't be the next Margaret Thatcher maybe she can be the next Betty Ford.
Hillary Clinton promised Sunday to resolve Puerto Rico's commonwealth status when she is president. Island residents enjoy the full rights and protection of the United States but they pay no U.S. income taxes. Wesley Snipes's birthday is a holiday in Puerto Rico.
Bob Dole ripped former White House spokesman Scott McClellan for writing a tell-all about the Bush administration. He called McClellan a miserable creature. A recommendation like that is enough to get you a job at any talent agency in Hollywood.
Scott McClellan denounced the Bush administration for its culture of secrecy in his new book. He said they use extraordinary means to keep things quiet. There's a sign on the wall in the press secretary's office that reads Loose Lips Elect Democrats.
South Dakota and Montana will vote today in the last contest of the Democratic primary. All eyes will be on Hillary to see if she calls it quits or vows to press ahead with a convention fight. She was last seen consulting a genealogist to see if she's got enough Stuart blood in her to claim she's the rightful Queen of England.
Denver's Jeff Peckman petitioned city officials to set up an Extraterrestrial Affairs Department to plan for an alien landing. Denver is the closest city to outer space. At least it has been ever since Jerry Brown moved out of the California governor's mansion.
Hugh Hefner said Thursday he wants to produce a movie of his life and he wants Robert Downey Jr. to play him. The publisher has been always an amateur theologian. Hugh Hefner was a son of a Methodist minister and Easy Grace was his first centerfold.
The FBI interviewed Roger Clemens's lover Mindy McCready to ask her if he took steroids. She was one of his many simultaneous affairs. The pitcher's dream was to be the first Texan with three hundred wins and the second Texan with four hundred kids.
Sharon Stone's movies were banned in China after she said China deserved an earthquake for how it treats Tibet. It's just as well. The last thing a nation with a billion people needs to see is a Hollywood bombshell who doesn't wear any underwear.
Sex and the City premiered at Radio City Music Hall, garnering rave reviews for Cynthia Nixon. It left New Yorkers quite self-satisfied. Where else but in New York can you pay to see a singing Hitler, a dancing Frankenstein, or Nixon in a mini-skirt?
The Auto Club ran a nationwide survey which found Oklahomans use more gasoline per capita than Americans in any other state. Residents of the Sooner State burn an average of nearly two gallons a day. It's either that or let the tornado catch you.
Barack Obama could clinch the nomination over Hillary Clinton if he sweeps the primaries Tuesday. What an amazing feat. It would be the first time a black guy ever beat a white woman and didn't need an L.A. jury to keep from going to prison for it.
Nepal's parliament abolished the monarchy after two hundred and forty years Friday to become a republic. The nation boasts Mt. Everest. Getting through the next seven months without an impeachment trial is now the second highest mountain for Republicans to climb.
Scott McClellan blasted the president in his new book, but mystified co-workers insist it doesn't sound like Scott at all. This is war. No sooner does NASA land a craft on Mars than the former White House spokesman gets taken over by space aliens.
Susan Sarandon vowed Friday to move to Italy if John McCain gets elected. Last time she said she would move to Canada if Bush got re-elected. Every four years she likes to advertise that she's willing to work on location and pay her own expenses.
U.S. Airways announced Wednesday that to make up for high fuel costs the airline will eliminate all peanuts and cookies and pretzel snacks on all domestic flights. It is a terrible idea. The pilots will get drunk that much faster on an empty stomach.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton