Jewish World Review June 2, 2008 / 29 Iyar 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Disneyland closed It's a Small World for refitting Thursday because overweight children made the boats scrape bottom. That's how this decade will be remembered. We may be bogged down in Iraq, but elastic waistbands have been driven to their knees.
The La Scala Opera House in Italy announced it will commission and stage an opera of Al Gore's documentary, An Inconvenient Truth. The former vice president wasn't entirely pleased by the news. Al's a baritone so he has to play an oil company.
Bill Murray was accused by his wife in divorce papers of being a pot and booze hound who always trolls for new sex partners. He's fifty-seven. It's a lesson for young people about the long and full life you can enjoy if you stay away from cocaine.
Sharon Stone apologized Friday for saying China's earthquake was caused by China's bad karma. It was a costly gaffe for the actress. She lost her Christian Dior account, and hell will freeze over before she has her own line of jeans at Wal-Mart.
UCLA Medical Center admitted Friday that its doctors recently performed a life-saving liver transplant on a Japanese man who is the most powerful crime boss in Tokyo. After all, they did take an oath. People who pay cash go to the top of the list.
Barack Obama's doctor released his medical records Thursday and told reporters that the candidate has been chewing on Nicorette gum for two years to try to stop smoking. How tough is it to beat nicotine addiction? It's easier to withdraw from Iraq.
Brazil natives untouched by civilization tried to down a Cessna using bows and arrows Friday. They live without electricity, running water, sanitation or roads. People gripe about British colonialism unless they're the people who missed out on it.
Barack Obama's church congregation roared with laughter Sunday as a white guest priest went wild onstage mocking white people and white entitlement. It's a total sacrilege. Richard Pryor's material is holy and must never be attempted by white guys.
Barack Obama apologized for his friend, Catholic priest Michael Pfleger, who went on a racial rant while he was the guest preacher at Obama's Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago on Sunday. The priest has called Louis Farrakhan a gift from G-d, infuriating Jewish groups. The good news is Mel Gibson has a new place to worship.
The Archbishop of Chicago rebuked Father Pfleger for his racial rant at Obama's church. He denounced white people, and compared the U.S. to a serial rapist. Under Catholic church law priests aren't allowed to discuss rape unless they been subpoenaed.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton