Jewish World Review June 29, 2007 / 13 Tamuz, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Barry Bonds was running fourth among outfielders in All-Star balloting by fans Wednesday. He can't win. Last week he ignited a victory by stealing second base and then scoring on a shallow fly ball, and now everyone wants him tested for cocaine.
Rudy Giuliani on Wednesday said the World Trade Center attacks occurred because Bill Clinton didn't respond strongly enough to the first World Trade Center attack. It just made people love Bill Clinton more. He shortened the war in Iraq by ten years.
New Yorkers walked to work Wednesday after the subways had power outages. They would be much better off if they drove their own cars to work. Every time public transit is shut down for terror threats or power outages, Los Angeles has a Smug Alert.
Fred Thompson drew wild applause in South Carolina Wednesday saying he opposed illegal immigration and terrorism. What a healer. It's possible to win both the white vote and black vote in South Carolina if you campaign against Arabs and Mexicans.
Iranians rioted in Teheran over gas rationing Wednesday. Angry citizens burned gas stations in protest. The Iranian government wouldn't have to deal with an informed citizenry if they would allow their starlets to drink and run around without underwear.
The CIA admitted Tuesday the agency recruited the Mafia fifty years ago to try to kill Fidel Castro. The mobsters couldn't persuade any of Fidel's lovers to slip poison into his milkshakes. It's little things like cab fare home that save your life.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton