Jewish World Review June 28, 2007 / 12 Tamuz, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Paris Hilton came strutting out of Los Angeles county jail Monday looking like a supermodel. The first thing she did was to ask her parents to take her to Taco Bell. Just for saying that, she was paid one million dollars by Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Variety said Monday Hugh Hefner's life will be made into a movie. It covers his career, his sex exploits and his social activism. The script's not finished, but in the final credits the producers will thank Sir Alexander Fleming for inventing penicillin.
Long Island began a teen mentoring program Monday for boys of gang recruitment age. It takes them off the street and teaches them golf at Islip's Brentwood Country Club. That night Bill Clinton robbed two liquor stores in a last-ditch attempt to get into Brentwood.
The London Times said Sunday all the actresses and singers who once dated Fred Thompson want to campaign for him. Even his ex-wife praises him. Fred Thompson has no skeletons in his closet, that's just Calista Flockhart looking for her umbrella.
GOP Senator Richard Lugar turned on the administration's Iraq policy Tuesday, saying the policy threatens U.S. security. The president is in trouble. You know a policy is too aggressive if a guy with the same name as a German pistol is against it.
The State Department said Monday the U.S. is working with Syria and Iran to stop incursions into Iraq. We've been unable to control the borders. U.S. troops have only been in Iraq for four years and already Telemundo is the number one television network.
The U.S. Senate decided Tuesday to extend debate on the immigration reform bill that decides the fate of illegal aliens. They are certainly well-trained for life in Southern California. The only traffic laws in Mexico City are the laws of physics.
The White House announced that President Bush will meet with Mexican President Felipe Calderon next month. They have to discuss the growing problem of illegal immigration. The two presidents agreed to meet in Mexico's capital city, Los Angeles.
Rudy Giuliani's campaign chairman in South Carolina was indicted on Tuesday for the possession and distribution of five hundred grams of cocaine. It was an honest misunderstanding. Rudy Giuliani had told him to get him five hundred grams of Rogaine.
Hillary Clinton spoke to the Center for American Security about foreign affairs at a Washington D.C. hotel Wednesday. She's not as interesting as her husband. When Bill Clinton discussed affairs at a Washington D.C. hotel, he sold a lot of newspapers.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton