Jewish World Review June 25, 2007 / 9 Tamuz, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The PGA Tour agreed Thursday to begin drug-testing pro golfers. The ban should include tobacco. If you think Iraq will be expensive to rebuild, just wait until U.S. Open winner Angel Cabrera tosses aside one of his cigarettes at the Los Angeles Open.
The America's Cup yachting race sponsored by Louis Vuitton got started Saturday off the Mediterranean coast of Spain. Not everyone enjoys it. If Ralph Nader had his way, the America's Cup would begin two miles upstream from Niagara Falls.
Tennessee Titan Pacman Jones was charged with two felonies Tuesday in the Las Vegas strip bar shooting in February. Last week he was involved in another shooting in Atlanta. He plays safety but apparently he doesn't like to take his work home with him.
Paris Hilton's neighbors signed a petition Friday asking her to move away. She lives a block above the Sunset Strip. They've heard she's been reading the Bible and straightening out her life, and some things will not be tolerated in West Hollywood.
Paris Hilton will be released today from a Los Angeles jail. Her route home must be carefully mapped out. If her motorcade gets too close to Little Saigon, the sound of all those helicopters flying in formation overhead could trigger a mass surrender.
L.A. Lakers owner Jerry Buss was in court Tuesday after being arrested for drunk driving with a twenty-three-year-old woman in his car. He'll probably get community service. Old goats are needed to keep hillside brush under control during fire season.
Continental Airlines apologized for an Amsterdam-to-Newark flight Monday night where raw sewage flowed down the aisle. It seemed like a good idea at the time. No one's ever thought of a better way to prepare two hundred passengers for the transition to Newark.
ESPN will air an eight-part mini-series next month called The Bronx is Burning, about the New York Yankees thirty years ago in the Disco Era. How wild were the Seventies? Jimmy Carter was not so much the president as he was the designated driver.
New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg dropped hints this past weekend that he may be open to running for president. This morning he attended a breakfast that raised twelve million dollars to get his campaign rolling. He dined alone with his checkbook.
The Pentagon's e-mail system was infiltrated by a hacker Thursday and all the computers got shut down. The hacker didn't get ahold of any top secret stuff. Both the Washington Post and New York Times had sold out on the newsstands by that time of day.
The U.S. Conference of Mayors met in Los Angeles over the weekend at the Hyatt Regency Century Plaza. The mayors went to the Getty Center, Rodeo Drive, the Kodak Theater, Universal and to Warner Bros. On Monday they're going to the Griffith Observatory balcony, where for one quarter they can look into a telescope and see their hotel bill.
Poland complained at the EU summer summit Thursday that the proposed new voting formula based on a nation's population unfairly favored Germany over the countries Germany wiped out during the Second World War. The Poles feel the Germans want too big a role in running Europe. They are worried that the third time might be the charm.
Bill Clinton said Thursday his role in his wife's Sopranos spoof video was not a signal he'll take a bigger role in her primary campaign. His assigned role for the next eight years is that of faithful, supportive spouse while his wife is the star. Bill Clinton couldn't be any more in prison if he were out on the golf course with O.J.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton