Jewish World Review June 18, 2007 / 2 Tamuz, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Bob Barker retired from The Price is Right on Friday after thirty-five years on the air. He was accused of sexually harassing one of the models on the show twelve years ago. He would have come out a winner but he bid too low for the girl's services.
Scooter Libby was ordered to jail Thursday for lying to cover up for the White House. He's from a very wealthy family. Scooter Libby holds the distinction of being the richest person to go to jail this week who never made an Internet sex video.
Paris Hilton went back to a women's jail Thursday after spending a week in the county medical detention center. They've had to post extra guards around her cell during visitors hours. That's because all her girlfriends are built like skeleton keys.
The Supreme Court agreed Monday to reconsider the long prison terms handed out to mostly black defendants convicted of selling crack cocaine. They're under a lot of pressure. It would be racist to grant amnesty to one ethnic group and not to another.
The San Antonio Spurs swept the Cleveland Cavaliers on Thursday to win the NBA championship trophy. Tens of thousands of people turned up at the Alamo to celebrate their triumph. How they got over the border continues to frustrate Homeland Security.
Rudy Giuliani suggested Thursday that President Bush is no Ronald Reagan. He called for stronger, more aggressive, and bolder leadership. The only thing stronger and bolder and more aggressive than President Bush is a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor.
Bill Clinton, it was revealed Thursday, received a six-figure speaking fee from the Boys and Girls Club of America. However, the organization just fired Alex Rodriguez as their spokesman for carousing with strippers. It's a civil rights case if there ever was one.
President Bush denied that the adoring crowd in Albania lifted his wristwatch last Sunday. He told reporters he put his Timex in his pocket before he began shaking their hands. What's more ridiculous, that Albanians would steal a U.S. president's wristwatch, that they'd steal a Timex, or that it matters what time it is in Albania?
President Bush gave a speech Friday at the National Hispanic Prayer Breakfast held in a Washington D.C. hotel. He wanted to shake hands with everybody afterwards, however he didn't have the time. His wristwatch is in a pawn shop somewhere in Albania.
Steven Spielberg endorsed Hillary Clinton for president Thursday. His motives are no secret in Hollywood. The endorsement virtually guarantees the director of Indiana Jones the movie rights to Bill Clinton's next love affair in the White House.
The U.S. Open wraps up today at the famed Oakmont Country Club. Before the tournament, some club members secretly cut down all five thousand trees on the course. No one wants an obstructed view of the drama if John Daly's wife can break past the rope line.
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer reversed himself Thursday and endorsed a bill legalizing medical marijuana. He has his reasons. The sales tax is so high in New York that if snack food sales go up just one percent he can give city workers a raise.
United Nations chief nuclear weapons inspector Mohamed ElBaradei tried to cool tensions between the U.S. and Iran Thursday. He said it would be an act of sheer madness to attack Iran over its refusal to freeze their nuclear program. So it's a go.
Senator Robert Byrd of West Virginia admitted to reporters Thursday that he's recently turned over some of his Senate responsibilities to younger colleagues. The eighty-nine-year old lion always keeps a copy of the original U.S. Constitution in his pocket. He's tired of all these people telling him that slavery is unconstitutional.
The International Space Station crew got a frightful scare Thursday. They were working on a computer in the Russian cabin when a fire alarm went off indicating their lives were in mortal danger. The warning goes off every day when lunch is ready.
President Bush called for four billion dollars for border security on Thursday as a sweetener to try to pass his immigration reform bill. He just won't quit. President Bush may not get his face on Mt. Rushmore but if this bill passes, Hispanics are going to see his image on grilled cheese sandwiches for the next two thousand years.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton