Jewish World Review June 14, 2007 / 28 Sivan, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Paris Hilton called Barbara Walters from prison Monday to say she is giving up her dumb act. The heiress said she's not the ditzy character she plays in public. She said while in prison she found G-d, but was baffled as to why G-d was in prison.
John Daly showed up at the U.S. Open on Tuesday with his wife's fingernail marks still on his face. The volatile couple first met on a golf course a few years ago. After she told him that she was a scratch golfer, he should have known what to expect.
President Bush received a hero's welcome on the streets of Albania Sunday. The crowd reached over the rope line to hug him and grab his hands. They knew whoever got his wristwatch could sell it on eBay for enough money to move to a real country.
CBS chief executive Les Moonves cited audience sexism for Katie Couric's awful ratings. It's a soft news format that has viewers climbing the walls. It was a mistake to use music by the Carpenters to go in and out of commercials during wartime.
The FBI asked Congress for money to set up a National Security Branch Analysis Center Tuesday. It would allow the agency's anti-terror task force to look at every American citizen's income tax records, phone records and credit card records. The idea was first proposed thirty-five years ago in Richard Nixon's I Have a Dream speech.
The Sopranos final episode drew an all-time cable record twelve million viewers Sunday for HBO. No one will ever forget the last scene. It's the largest number of simultaneous blackouts since the illegal aliens arrived in South Central Los Angeles.
Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa said Monday he and his wife are splitting up after twenty years. He was last on national television two weeks ago endorsing Hillary for president. The Clinton marriage never breaks up, however they are carriers.
Rudy Giuliani was in New Hampshire Monday to read out a list of Twelve Commitments he pledges to keep if he's elected president. He's had three wives and now he's got twelve commitments. How on earth did Mitt Romney end up being the Mormon in this race?
Rudy Giuliani told New Hampshire voters Tuesday that Democrats want to take America back to the 1990s, which he said would be a mistake. It might not be. Even if we didn't catch Osama bin Laden in time, we'd at least know when to get out of tech stocks.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton