Jewish World Review June 11, 2007 / 25 Sivan, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Paris Hilton was ordered back into jail by a Los Angeles judge to complete her forty-five day sentence on Friday. The county supervisors were flooded with phone calls from people complaining about the sentence. By a five-to-one margin, they favored execution.
Paris Hilton last year flunked a roadside sobriety test in West Hollywood even though witnesses said she had just one martini. It's a lesson for every starlet in town. They will test drunk just by walking through the bar if they don't start eating.
Paris Hilton was driven back to jail Friday with news helicopters overhead. It was celebrity justice long overdue. Everybody always hoped that someone would go to jail for killing Nicole Brown Simpson, but nobody thought it would be Paris Hilton.
Al Sharpton flew to Los Angeles Friday to complain about Paris Hilton's special treatment. He said it shows there's racism in Los Angeles. A race riot was narrowly avoided when Al Sharpton neglected to provide a Spanish translation for his comments.
Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa ordered all residents Thursday to reduce their water use by ten percent due to drought. Tempers are flaring. There's even a citywide fight over whether Paris Hilton should be forced to take community showers.
Paris Hilton was freed from Los Angeles County jail Thursday pending a hearing Friday. What an eerie week. With Paris Hilton in jail, Rosie O'Donnell off The View and President Bush in Europe, three out of four Americans suspected they had gone deaf.
Alex Rodriguez swore at photographers on Thursday as they took pictures of him shopping with his wife for Bentleys and Lamborghinis. His anger is understandable. If it weren't for photographers, she might have been satisfied with shopping at Macy's.
Alex Rodriguez lost his television commercials for the Boys and Girls Clubs of America Friday. He's not the best spokesman. It all fell apart when the kids went on a field trip to the local firehouse and the girls started dancing around the pole.
The U.S. Senate killed the president's immigration reform bill Friday following a public outcry against amnesty. Supporters of the bill threw buckets of money at lawmakers to try to revive it. Appliance stores in Washington are now advertising office refrigerators with freezers which can hold up to ninety thousand dollars cash.
Congressman William Jefferson pleaded not guilty to bribery charges Friday. The circumstantial evidence looks bad. Ninety thousand dollars was found in the freezer at his home, and he recently lost three fingers to frostbite.
The San Antonio Spurs hosted the Cleveland Cavaliers Wednesday within sight of the Alamo. It's the birthplace of the immigration reform debate. When the series returned to Cleveland there were six hundred illegal aliens in the plane's cargo hold.
President Bush hit a new low of thirty-two percent in his personal popularity Thursday. The Republican presidential candidates now face a real dilemma. To get the crowd on their side they don't know whether to open with a Bush joke or a Clinton joke.
The New York Times published a secret Hillary Clinton campaign memo Thursday. It says Bill Clinton has had trouble meeting fundraising goals in California. By the time he gets done with Sharon Stone and the hairstylist, most of the donors have left.
North Korea fired two missiles into the Sea of Japan Thursday for the second time in eleven months. Their dictator had claimed for two years he has missiles that could reach Los Angeles. He didn't tell us he has to fire them from Santa Monica.
Vladimir Putin and President Bush relaxed tensions Thursday and they discussed a compromise on where to place a missile shield system. It pays to be cautious when dealing with the Russians. President Bush agreed to consider Putin's offer of having a missile shield in Azerbaijan but he turned down Putin's offer of a cup of soup.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton