Jewish World Review June 4, 2007 / 18 Sivan, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Hillary Clinton spoke at a Democratic Party event in Iowa Sunday and drew loud cheers. She really needed the lift. Last weekend Hillary lapsed into a two-minute coughing fit during a commencement speech in New Orleans and now nobody will fly with her.
Hillary Clinton gave an education speech Friday in front of a banner that read Jobs for Tomorrow, but it spelled tomorrow with two m's. What goes around comes around. Somewhere on the first tee in Scottsdale, Dan Quayle is telling Hillary jokes.
Hillary Clinton's Beverly Hills donors were asked to remove their shoes at her fundraiser at the home of Hollywood director Brett Ratner. There's a good reason. A local city ordinance states that no one's allowed to be taller than the director.
Lindsay Lohan went into rehab Tuesday after a drunk driving arrest. Her studio said they will delay shooting her next movie until she's out. Hollywood is full of actresses who never touched alcohol or drugs but nobody would pay a nickel to see them.
Aviation Weekly said Tuesday airlines may soon charge for blankets and pillows and soft drinks to keep ticket prices low. It's already begun. On Air France they charge you two hundred dollars extra if you want to sit in the non-tubercular section.
Atlanta's Andrew Speaker caused a panic by flying around with drug-resistant tuberculosis Tuesday. His father-in-law is a scientist who studies drug-resistant tuberculosis. Most guys just give their son-in-law the down payment for the new house.
Andrew Speaker was hospitalized in Denver Friday after flying around the world with contagious tuberculosis. He posed for pictures with his bride, who wore a mask over her mouth and nose. Apparently tuberculosis requires women to live by Muslim law.
The Centers for Disease Control admitted Friday that they can't legally prevent contagiously sick people from flying. The only safe way to travel is in your car by yourself. California is demanding extra highway funds just for being right all along.
The NBA declined a sales pitch Friday from hemp growers selling basketball nets made out of durable hemp. The league decided hemp might be too expensive. Players would be cutting down the net at the end of each and every game whether they won or lost.
The FDA urged consumers Friday not to buy toothpaste made in China like Doctor Cool toothpaste and Everdent. It contains anti-freeze. Until it's pulled off the shelves you can pretty much assume that the whiter the smile, the drunker the teenager.
The New York Post listed all the strip joints that Alex Rodriguez frequents in New York and on the road. He's so suggestible. Every time Alex Rodriguez hits a home run, the scoreboard flashes Touch 'em All and he heads for the nearest gentlemen's club.
Democratic presidential candidate Bill Richardson announced Friday he's selling his stock holdings in an oil refinery company. Shrewd move. Oil stocks will never be higher than eighteen months before a Democratic president nationalizes the oil industry.
Michael Vick was reported Thursday to be near indictment for dog fighting. Detectives began digging in his back yard for dead pit bulls. Phil Spector has five witnesses who'll say he was pointing a gun at a woman in Beverly Hills the night those dogs were shot.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton