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Jewish World Review June 5, 2006 / 9 Sivan, 5766 The Clinton marriage — not again! By Tom Purcell
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
I can't believe we're talking about it again. I can't believe we're talking about the Clinton marriage.
A few weeks ago, The New York Times interviewed 50 people who know Bill and Hillary. The report attempted to get a "grab" — a poor choice of words, I know — on the married life of this power couple.
Columnist David Broder says their marriage is the "elephant in the room" (or, as he should have said it, the elephant in the bedroom). He said their personal life will be a hot topic if Hillary runs for president.
Please, G-d, no.
I don't want to know more about the Clintons' personal life. I'm still desperately trying to forget what I already know. I can't believe this is making the news again.
We've been busy since the Clintons left the White House. Soon after our planes were hijacked and our buildings exploded, we shifted our focus from adolescent problems to adult ones.
We began a war on terrorism. We took out the Taliban in Afghanistan and Saddam in Iraq. We had an unpleasant election. And we're in the midst of a lot of anger and division, trying to reach a consensus on where to go from here in a world in which lots of people hope to blow us up.
Closer to home, Democrats are angry their politicians spend too little, Republicans that theirs spend too much. Our borders are more porous than Teddy Kennedy's liver. News reports, just in time for hurricane season, are telling us that we've destroyed our environment and catastrophe is certain.
And in the midst of all of our adult worries, the Clinton marriage is suddenly front-page news again?
Hillary kicked off her Senate re-election campaign the other night. Bill came onto the stage and hugged her. It was a fine image, the power couple in a loving embrace. Hillary got a standing ovation when she said he was "an inspiration, a mentor, a partner."
And he is an inspiration, a mentor, a partner. He's inspired dozens of investigations, he's mentored an untold number of interns, and you couldn't find a Harvard CPA able to tally the number of partners he's had.
Look, I like Bill Clinton. I'd love to have a beer with him — though only if my sisters are out of town. But I lack the mental, physical and emotional strength to go through this again.
If Hillary runs, the election will be painful. We all know Bill will do something reckless, get caught, humiliate Hillary, seek forgiveness, outline a plan for redemption, and then we'll see news footage of him and Jesse Jackson in an intense Bible study.
But I tremble at what will happen if he becomes first lady.
He'll stroll around the White House in a silk robe, chomping on roast beef sandwiches and winking at the staff. The White House Easter Egg Roll will stop inviting children and start inviting coeds.
The White House kitchen will be outsourced to Hooters. Dominoes will run a franchise out of the Blue Room. The Lincoln Bedroom will be leased to the Chinese in return for campaign dough and a lifetime supply of General Tso's Chicken.
Goodness knows what his "first lady" mission will be. Laura Bush promoted literacy. Barbara Bush promoted volunteerism. As part of her "Just Say No" campaign, Nancy Reagan discouraged drug use.
I think Bill will embrace "Just Say No," too — "Just Say No to Abstinence, Fidelity and Hillary."
With Bill as first lady, Congress will need to pass a new "don't ask, don't tell" policy — not for the military, but for the White House.
America will need to establish a special Secret Service detail — not to protect Bill from the public, but the public from Bill.
A disturbing new slogan will seep into popular culture: "What happens in the White House stays in the White House."
I can't believe we're even talking about this. Please, G-d, don't make us have to go through this again.
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© 2006, Tom Purcell |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
