Jewish World Review June 22, 2006 / 26 Sivan, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Phil Mickelson blew the U.S. Open Sunday by using a driver on the final hole. His tee shot hit a corporate tent and he later admitted he's an idiot. Now the Green Party and the Reform Party are fighting over who gets to nominate him for president.
Los Angeles cops on Monday unveiled a model plane with a camera mounted
on it named Sky Seer. It flies over backyards to survey criminal activity. The producers of the Girls Gone Wild videos came up with the idea and are financing the entire thing.
The Arizona Diamondbacks cut one-time star pitcher Russ Ortiz last Thursday. In doing so, the club swallowed his twenty-two million dollar salary. It's the most money anyone was ever paid to sit on the bench without being a judge in New Orleans.
The Episcopal General Convention Sunday elected Katharine Jefferts Schori presiding bishop. Her career path has taken her from oceanographer to pilot to priest to bishop. Measuring by altitude, it's the most dramatic ascension in two thousand years.
Al Gore's movie An Inconvenient Truth expanded to six hundred movie theaters nationwide last week amid ceaseless promotion. The former vice president thinks about global warming all the time. The other night in bed he told Tipper to cool it.
Time magazine reports al-Qaeda plotted three years ago to release cyanide in New York subways from Mason jars. Homeland Security got right on it. There's an all-points bulletin out for young men of Arab descent who like to can their own peaches.
Congress heard testimony Tuesday that a billion dollars in Hurricane Katrina aid was spent on strip joints and booze. It was those twenty-five hundred dollar debit cards. The next time, the government will hand out cash so there are no records.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton