Jewish World Review June 21, 2006 / 25 Sivan, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Phil Mickelson blew the U.S. Open in the last hole on
Sunday. He foolishly hit a driver off the tee into deep rough
instead of a two-iron safely on the fairway. He just got a text
message from Ben Roethlisberger lecturing him on risk management.
Al-Qaeda, it was reported Sunday, plotted a gas attack on
New York subways three years ago. However, the terrorists decided
to call it off. They suddenly realized they will never get the
Americans out of the Middle East if they bomb mass transit.
Miami Dolphin Ricky Williams played well up in Canada in his
first game for the Toronto Argonauts Saturday. He adjusted just
fine. In Canadian football the hash marks are closer to the
sideline, but Ricky found them and smoked them anyway.
Sir Paul McCartney asked reporters Sunday to go easy on his
estranged wife's sordid past. He missed seeing the signs. Every
time they watched Two and a Half Men, she brought up the fact that
Charlie Sheen still owes her three hundred dollars.
The Episcopal Convention elected a woman Sunday to be
presiding bishop. Many problems remain unresolved. During the
after-party when someone proposed a toast to Queen Elizabeth, one
bishop waved appreciatively and asked everyone to call him Liz.
Congress voted themselves a three thousand dollar pay raise
last week. This was their second cash windfall in a month. Now
that there's a car that runs on hog waste, pretty soon all the
congressmen will have ninety thousand dollars in their freezer.
Bill Clinton spoke to newspaper editors meeting in Little
Rock Sunday at the Bill Clinton Presidential Library. It's quite a
shrine. Pilgrims from all over the world travel to the library to
place rolled up prayers inside the Cheating Wall.
Bill Gates announced on Thursday he is going to retire from Microsoft and spend his life fighting diseases. He certainly doesn't need the money. A few years ago he made a killing in the stock market when he sold Barry Bonds at seventy-three.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton