Jewish World Review June 19, 2006 / 23 Sivan, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Bill Gates announced Friday he's going to retire from the
company he founded in two years. He said he plans to spend his
fifty billion dollar fortune trying to cure AIDS. If he succeeds,
it will be the first virus that Microsoft ever stopped.
Tiger Woods missed the cut in the U.S. Open at Winged Foot
Golf Club on Friday for the first time in his career. He admitted
he hadn't picked up a club in a month. He should have gone down to
Double-A with Roger Clemens to work on his stroke.
Germany beat Poland in the World Cup with a goal in the
ninety-second minute Wednesday. The Polish team made the mistake
of trying to outshoot the Germans. They ignored Russia's advice to
retreat to their goal and wait for winter to set in.
Tom Cruise was rated the world's most powerful celebrity in
a list published by Forbes magazine on Friday. Any psychiatrist
could explain why. Everybody is always riveted when you get to the
next-to-the-last note in Pop Goes the Weasel.
Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney found out Friday she will not
be indicted for striking a Capitol cop. It was on constitutional
grounds. The grand jury agreed it would be cruel and unusual
punishment to sit through the trial of Cynthia McKinney.
Congress heard testimony Wednesday about fraudulent claims
for money by Hurricane Katrina victims. Over one billion dollars
of federal aid was diverted to booze and strip shows and gambling.
Look, we're either rebuilding New Orleans or we're not.
Senator John McCain demanded Thursday that ballplayers be
tested for Human Growth Hormone. The players are currently tested
for steroids, pot, cocaine and speed. They should have read that
exclusivity clause when the league signed with Budweiser.
Hillary Clinton gave a speech about privacy on Friday. She
said that privacy is at the crossroads of many issues and must be
reconciled with technology. She was so vague and noncommittal that
John Kerry accused her of stealing his act backstage afterwards.
The Energy Department predicted Friday that gasoline prices
will remain high all summer. It's not all bad news. Gasoline is so
expensive in Washington D.C. that Congressman Kennedy's credit
rating went up when he lost his driver's license.
The World Cup, it was reported Friday, has resulted in a
ten percent increase in Germany's legal brothels. Once again
America is at odds with Europe. They're legalizing prostitution
and we're kicking it off the House Ways and Means Committee.
The White House offered a twenty-five-million-dollar reward for al-Qaeda's new leader in Iraq. The same reward was just paid to the guy who turned in al-Zarqawi to the Americans. Osama was so grateful to eat again after we froze all his accounts.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton