Jewish World Review June 12, 2006 / 16 Sivan, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Roger Clemens was handed the baseball to start the ballgame
by third baseman and teammate Koby Clemens in a minor league game
Monday. The son asked his dad the most crucial question an
infielder can ask his pitcher. Are you wearing a wire?
The World Cup started in Berlin Friday with Germany drubbing
Costa Rica. The match drew over one billion television viewers.
However, if history is any guide, Germany has to roll over two
more countries before Americans feel obligated to watch.
Danish Prime Minister Anders Rasmussen flew to Washington
Friday. His is the nation which fifteen hundred years ago sent
Vikings and Saxons to rape and loot the world. He came here to
offer Ann Coulter the job as his communications director.
New York reacted angrily Thursday when Homeland Security
slashed its terrorism protection funds to provide more money for
states in the Midwest. Nebraska was given the money through a
typographical error. There actually is no Omaha bin Laden.
Colin Powell told an audience in Mexico City Thursday he
opposes a wall and supports a guest-worker program and a path to
citizenship. He really made news. The next day all of Washington
D.C. was buzzing that he is not running for president.
Senate Democrats killed a bill on Thursday to repeal the
inheritance tax. It smacks of ingratitude. You would think
Democrats would support the repeal of estate taxes when you
consider how many dead people vote for them in Chicago alone.
The Omen premiered nationwide Tuesday to a huge movie box
office. It's about a married couple that has Satan's baby. The
studio made forty million dollars its first day out and that was
just what People magazine paid for the baby pictures.
The World Cup security forces in Germany sent three thousand
known hooligans back home to England Tuesday. Nobody minds the
vigilance of the German border patrol. Just the fact that Germany
accepts that it has borders is terrific progress.
Pitcher Jason Grimsley was reported Thursday to have told
the feds which players did steroids and human growth hormones and
speed. What a revelation. Everyone knew Charlie Sheen starred in
the movie Major League but this was the first time we knew he catered it.
The White House announced Thursday that al-Qaeda leader Abu
Musab al-Zarqawi was killed in Iraq by a smart bomb from a U.S.
air strike. They weren't kidding. The bomb is so smart it was able
to grant al-Zarqawi his last request: not the face.
Al-Qaeda leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was killed by two U.S.
bombs Wednesday night in Iraq. One was guided by laser and one by
satellite. You can complain all you like about America's obesity
epidemic but our video game skills are second to none.
The Cadillac Escalade won the title of the most stolen car in America Monday from the Insurance Institute. Here's a tip if you're buying a used Escalade. If all the radio buttons are set to hip-hop stations, check the radiator for bullet holes.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton