Jewish World Review June 5, 2006 / 9 Sivan, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Roger Clemens signed a sweet deal with the Houston Astros
Wednesday. He gets a million dollars a week and a private jet to
all away games. People in Houston are just happy that when Ken
Lay's stuff is auctioned off it will go to a good home.
The NBA playoffs were reported Friday to be enjoying an
upswing in television viewer ratings over last year. It's all
good. According to polls, basketball is America's second favorite
indoor sport and the other one shouldn't have spectators.
The Lundberg Survey on Thursday predicted high gasoline
prices all summer. It's become a luxury item worldwide. Forty
years ago Buddhist monks doused themselves with gasoline to
protest the war in Vietnam and today they do it to pick up chicks.
New Yorkers went ballistic Thursday when Homeland Security
cut the city's terrorism prevention money and gave it to rural
Republican states. Those states are at risk as well. Everybody's
heard the one about the terrorist and the farmer's daughter.
Bobby Kennedy Jr. said Ohio Republicans conspired to stop
Democrats from voting for John Kerry. The lines for the voting
machines were very long. Democrats just stood there all day
punching buttons and waiting for the twenty-dollar bills to come out.
Hillary Clinton was nominated for Senate by New York
Democrats Thursday. She spent all day on the phone raising money.
Ever since The Da Vinci Code said Mary Magdalene was the most
important person in history, everyone's acting like a hooker.
Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri Kamal al-Maliki complained to reporters Thursday that U.S. armed forces do not respect the Iraqi people. He said it's extremely unacceptable. When Winston Churchill eighty years ago called Iraq an ungrateful volcano, nobody had any idea that he worked part-time on the Psychic Friends Network.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton