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February 13, 2012
Binyamin Rose: Back to the Bunker: How a life-risking act by a Christian family during the Holocaust saved a family and built a thriving community a world away
Menachem Wecker: Business Schools Teach Real Estate Despite Troubled Housing Market
February 10, 2012
Lisa M. Krieger: Man with defibrillator demands access to his own heart's information
David G. Savage: Why activists may not be in a hurry to have High Court rule on alternative marriage
February 9, 2012
Laura McMullen: 10 Least Expensive Public Schools for Out-of-State Students
Kimberly Palmer: How to actually enjoy -- relaxing, financially -- your vacation
February 8, 2012
Warren Richey: Why momentous Prop. 8 ruling might not satisfy gay-rights groups
Menachem Wecker: Though Controversial, LL.M.'s Can Lead to Specialized Legal Jobs
The Kosher Gourmet byDana Velden: Going to the bother of making soup? You know it better be good. This CREAM OF TOMATO SOUP certainly is! And it's a cinch to make, too (Includes techinques and serving secrets)
February 7, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney, Jr.: Caught off-guard? President's Super Bowl interview with Matt Lauer gives those who need a reason not to vote for him, a darn good one
Suzanne Bohan: Leaping lizards! Tiny reptiles advancing robot design
February 6, 2012
Jonathan Tobin: Iran Threatens Israel With Destruction, But the New York Times Doesn't Hear It
Jeffrey Fleishman: In newly democratic Egypt, tens of democracy activists jailed, to stand trial; their groups are 'threatening the stability of the homeland'
Julie Deardorff : Researchers say antioxidants may not be that effective and could do more harm than good
Mark Clayton: How did Anonymous hackers eavesdrop on FBI and Scotland Yard?
February 3, 2012
Edmund Sanders : Israeli official says Iran is creating missile that could reach East Coast of US
Victoria Kim: Immigrant-smuggling ring used black drivers to avoid racial profiling
February 2, 2012
Jim Carney: Wrong number call may have saved her life
Reza Kahlili : Ex-CIA spy in Iran's Revolutionary Guard: What Obama doesn't grasp about striking deals with Tehran
Tina Susman: For woodchuck rescuer, every day is Groundhog Day
February 1, 2012
Brian Bennett: US officials see increasing threat of domestic attack from Iran
Emily Brandon: How to Take Advantage of New 401(k) Fee Disclosures
January 31, 2012
January 30, 2012
Paul Richter and Ramin Mostaghim: Misreading Teheran's limits -- deadly and economically devastating as they may be -- is a risk administration, Europe seem willing to take
Suzanne Bohan: Warning: Nap-deprived tots missing more than sleep, study finds
Meg Handley: Banks Revamping Rewards Programs to Woo Customers
January 27, 2012
Caroline B. Glick: Obama: Of course I intend to prevent a nuclear holocaust . . . in a few months
Yochonon Donn: In liberal New York City, fervently-Orthodox Jews may soon be getting a district to call their own
Jeannine Stein: An inflated ego and thinking you're 'all that' doesn't just make others sick of you, it can make you ill
Katy Hopkins: New budget rules may affect how much money you get for college
January 26, 2012
Ed Koch: To the New York Times, calling for the murder of Jews by those capable of having their incitement taken seriously isn't news
Jeannine Stein: Mental illness struck one in five U.S. adults in 2010: Report
January 25, 2012
Richard Simon: House passes two bills endorsing the use of religious symbols at military memorials
Fred Weir: Putin: Multiethnic Russia cannot survive as a US-style 'melting pot'; must find its own way
Susan Johnston: 5 Sneaky Coupon Strategies Consumers Should Watch Out For
January 24, 2012
Carol Clark: The price of your soul: How your brain decides whether to 'sell out'
Caroline B. Glick: America lost most in 'Arab Spring'. Sadly, many voters still don't grasp the extent
Warren Richey: Drug criminal scores win in GPS ruling from conservative-leaning high court
Erika Bolstad: Black conservatives gather to talk about gaining strength
January 23, 2012
Melissa Dribben: Jewish voters to play a key role in Florida's Republican primary
Jordan Rau: In quest to grow, Catholic hospital system will announce this morning its break from church
Ali Safi: U.S. envoy gives Taliban terms for peace talks
January 19, 2012
January 18, 2012
January 17, 2012
Frank J. Gaffney Jr.: No-kidding red lines: U.S. response to an Iranian nuke may be bluster, but Israel's won't be
David G. Savage: They sued their principals after slandering them online --- now the cases are headed to the Supreme Court
David Francis: Where to Invest in 2012: With stocks expected to rebound, opportunity abounds for investors
January 13, 2012
Ben Lynfield: Israeli lawmakers move to annex Jewish Judea, one museum at a time
Alexia Elejalde-Ruiz: Thriving through touch: Gentle massage helps older people with low mobility improve in mind and body
January 12, 2012
Warren Richey: Landmark Supreme Court ruling a 'resounding win' for religious groups
Warren Richey: Supreme Court says no to new rule on eyewitness testimony
John Fauber : Statins found to raise diabetes risk in postmenopausal women
Katy Hopkins : Consider This Before You Pay for an Online Degree
The Kosher Gourmet by Joseph Erdos: This mushroom and barley soup has an intense -- almost nutty -- flavor that mixes robust with Middle East. It has creaminess without cream
January 11, 2012
Shari Roan: Millions of atrial fibrillation sufferers at risk for devastating, but preventable, stroke
Tom Hussain: Pakistan -- recipient of more than $21 billion in civilian and military aid -- speeds pursuit of Iranian pipeline, defying US
David G. Savage: High court signals it won't be loosening TV's 'indecency' rules
Stephen Ceasar: Oklahoma's Islamic law amendment can't go into effect, court rules
January 10, 2012
Reza Kahlili: From an ex-CIA spy: US must exploit new split in Iran's Revolutionary Guard
Karen Kaplan: Study: Nicotine replacement products ineffective when used in real-life situations
January 9, 2012
Michael Doyle: Put through legal hell over dream home, couple fought back hard --- all the way to Supreme Court
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Jewish World Review
June 10, 2005
/ 3 Sivan, 5765
A treatise on Big Weddings
By
Gene Weingarten
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Now that big wedding season is upon us, like a bony old hag with sharp fingernails clawing at our eyeballs . . .
No, wait.
Now that Big Wedding season has begun, like a symphony performed with kazoos and dental drills . . .
No, wait.
Now that Big Wedding season has arrived, like a dyspeptic mother-in-law on your doorstep with a yapping Pomeranian and a very large suitcase . . .
Okay, I admit that I have a certain problem with Big Wedding Season. Don't get me wrong I am as romantic as the next guy (Bruno), but the fact is, my own wedding was not "big." Nor was it, strictly speaking, a "wedding." My bride and I walked over to city hall on our lunch hour. I remember distinctly that she looked lovely in a dress of some sort, and that I wore pants. The ceremony was performed by a clerk, and, in lieu of a ring, I presented a medical report certifying that neither of us had cooties of the private parts. Thus were we joined in holy matrimony.
It is now 25 years and two kids later, and our marriage is still strong, except for the occasional difference of opinion over the nature and length of my punishment for various insensitivity-related infractions.
Now I am not saying that all of you aspiring brides and grooms should do it the way my wife and I did it. (Actually, I do believe that, but I am not saying it, because at least half the American population you know who you are will get offended. That is because you consider big weddings to be a wonderful, glorious celebration of love and devotion and loyalty, until the statistically likely divorce.)
My problem with big weddings is that they tend to be ostentatious, wasteful, unseemly celebrations of self in which previously sane human beings wind up developing lifelong personal enmities over ridiculously petty things. The entire advice-column profession, after all, is based almost entirely upon questions such as whether it is right for a former bridesmaid to refuse to speak ever, ever again to her former friend, the bride, who compelled her to pay for a stupid wrist corsage that clashed with her gown, which she also had to pay for even though it appeared to have been sewn from pastel tablecloths and clearly was designed only to make the bride look good by comparison, which was necessary because of her gi-normous but-, which . . .
Given my prejudice against big weddings, however, I confess to a certain ignorance about them. That is why, to be journalistically responsible, I have spent the last few hours consulting the greatest authority on this subject, America's bridal magazines. In June, America's bridal magazines are the size of steamer trunks. They are filled with photos of impossibly beautiful female models posing as brides and impossibly handsome male models posing as heterosexuals.
One thing I learned from these magazines is that the latest trend is a "sponsored" wedding, in which the bride and groom get free stuff (gowns, food, limos, etc.) in exchange for saying great things about their corporate sponsors in their invitations or wedding announcements. One happy couple who own a literary magazine proudly revealed how they got $60,000 in free stuff by promising to compliment their sponsors in a special issue of their literary magazine, which would be devoted to their wedding. The article did not say if, afterwards, the bride and groom were going to pursue a promising career as prostitutes.
But perhaps I'm being too harsh. The fact is, the bridal magazines are also full of sweet stuff, such as recent brides giving helpful advice to brides-to-be who write in with important questions (They read like this: "Can I demand a refund on my bridesmaids' wrist corsages, if they turn out to be puce instead of magenta and quarrel with the centerpieces decoupaged from persimmon-dyed pigeon beaks . . .") and, of course, page after page of Cute Wedding Ideas. One Cute Wedding Idea I saw involves hiring a bartender to create a special cocktail in your wedding's color scheme. Another idea (I swear) is sending out invitations in the form of miniature cable-knit sweaters.
Today's column resulted from an inquiry I received from the editor of one of these bridal magazines, offering to be interviewed by me for wedding season. The magazine rescinded the offer after learning that I was a humor writer. Weddings are far too serious and unfrivolous to make fun of, apparently.
Her magazine, by the way, recommends putting a berry in the middle of each ice cube. The berry should be chosen to match the color scheme of the wedding.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Gene Weingarten writes the Below the Beltway humor column for The Washington Post. To comment, please click here.
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