Jewish World Review June 15, 2005 / 8 Sivan, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The U.S. Open begins Thursday at Pinehurst Golf Club. The
holes are longer and the rough is deeper and the fairways are
twenty yards wide. If the prisoners at Guantanamo were forced to
play this course, the Red Cross would step in and stop it.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie was a
smash hit. There is nothing like being a celebrity. Not only did
they attract a fifty-million-dollar box office, they just found
out they can have sex with children and get away with it.
Michael Jackson was found not guilty of all ten counts on
Monday by his jury in Santa Barbara. It was a mixed victory for
the star. He had been hoping to be found guilty of one of the
lesser charges so that he could be sent to juvenile hall.
Santa Barbara jurors explained their Michael Jackson verdict
on Monday. They looked down at the riff-raff who was accusing one
of their neighbors. How dare some hustler off the street come to
Santa Barbara and cast aspersions on a white guy.
Michael Jackson's verdict was blamed Monday on California's
celebrity worship that also freed O.J. and Robert Blake. It's
true. At this moment Charles Manson is thinking if he'd hired a
publicist instead of a lawyer, he would be a free man today.
Saddam Hussein was questioned by a tribunal in Iraq about
his brutal tactics in power Monday. The questioning went on for
hours. The dictator once crushed an insurgent rebellion north of
Baghdad and the tribunal just wanted to pick his brains.
Howard Dean blasted Republicans Monday for being indifferent
to the poor and overly fixated on gay marriage. He's actually
helping Republicans. In two weeks, Howard Dean's managed to make
John Bolton look like Fred MacMurray in My Three Sons.
The Truth About Hillary by former New York Times Magazine
editor Ed Klein claims Bill Clinton raped his wife twenty-six
years ago while on a Bermuda holiday. Now we know what keeps their
marriage together. It's lifetime Secret Service protection.
The NBA Finals between San Antonio and Detroit had tiny TV
ratings this past week. The whole country is fixated on the
Michael Jackson trial. If the NBA really wants good ratings they
should drop that idea of not letting children in the league.
Howard Dean said Sunday he doesn't care if Senate Democrats
want him to tone down his rhetoric. He said he's heard very
positive feedback from key voices in the party. It's the least
surprising story of the year that Howard Dean is hearing voices.
Saddam Hussein's lawyer said Sunday he wants Saddam's trial
held in a neutral country like Switzerland or Sweden. Europeans
don't believe in giving mass murderers the death penalty. They
believe in giving them Poland and Czechoslovakia.
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan delivered a glowing
economic forecast to Congress in last week's appearance. It was
great news for banks. After his testimony Friday he inserted his
card in the automatic teller machine and it moaned.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton