Jewish World Review June 6, 2005 / 28 Iyar, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Bob Woodward announced Thursday he's writing a book about
his friendship with Deep Throat. The two of them overthrew a tough
adversary. President Nixon's career was unstoppable after 1968
when Max Factor developed a television makeup for politicians
called Instant Honest.
Robert Redford was asked Friday what he remembers about
playing Bob Woodward in All the President's Men. It was the role
of a lifetime. He remembers that due to the overcast skies in
Washington D.C. during the shoot he looked ten years younger.
Tom Cruise melted down on the Oprah Winfrey Show Tuesday. He
jumped on the couch saying he's in love then tried to convert
everyone to Scientology. You don't get to watch the Michael
Jackson trial without having to sit through coming attractions.
Michael Jackson's child molestation case went to the jury
Friday. He appeared tense throughout the closing arguments. Not
only did he have to hear some awful things said about him, he was
forced to miss the finals of the National Spelling Bee.
Howard Dean resumed his hot political rhetoric Thursday. He
said Republicans never made an honest living in their lives. His
dad's side of the family founded Dean Witter and his mother's side
founded Merrill Lynch, so he speaks from experience.
President Bush chose Chris Cox to head the SEC. He's a
follower of Ayn Rand, who championed unrestricted capitalism. If
Martha Stewart had been caught by this guy she would have won the
Medal of Freedom for dumping the stock at a profit.
Hillary Clinton flew to Hollywood last week for a
fundraiser. She stopped by the movie set of Bewitched to give
Nicole Kidman some pointers. Hillary crinkled her eyes and
twitched her nose and fifteen homes in Orange County slid down a cliff.
President Nixon, it was revealed Tuesday, suspected Mark
Felt was Deep Throat and said so on his Oval Office tapes. His
recordings were anti-Semitic and racist and profane. The Nixon
Library just opened a new exhibit honoring Richard Nixon as the
Father of Rap Music.
Japan acknowledged Thursday its soldiers may still be
roaming the Philippine mountains. They don't know the war is over.
They have been spotted coming out of the woods emitting old war
cries for the emperor, or maybe that was Pat Buchanan.
John Edwards urged Democrats Thursday to adopt more
progressive ideas. They face an uphill battle. Now that the
Montreal Expos have moved to Washington D.C. the Democratic Party
faces serious competition as the city's most lovable losers.
Russia's defense minister vowed Friday to retaliate against
any nation that puts weapons in space. He can't be talking about
us. If Russia wants to keep us from placing weapons in space all
they have to do is change the locks on the Soyuz.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton