Jewish World Review June 1, 2005 / 23 Iyar, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Danica Patrick led the Indianapolis 500 on Sunday with six
laps to go before a fuel shortage cost her the victory. A star was
born. However, Californians still don't think she's ready to take
on Paris Hilton for the title of Fastest Woman Alive.
Oliver Stone was arrested at a checkpoint in Beverly Hills
Friday. Cops were stopping every car entering town. It's come to
the attention of the authorities that people who refuse to fly
have not been adequately hassled in the War on Terror.
Colin Powell, it was reported Saturday, might buy the
Washington Nationals. He wants to be a baseball owner. It would be
the most startling career change by a public figure since Saddam
Hussein gave up his day job to become an underwear model.
Bob Dole gave the commencement address at an Episcopal high
school in Little Rock last week. It was outdoors. Everyone who saw
him was hoping he was wearing sunglasses due to the bright sun and
not because of any vision loss from the Viagra.
The British Beer and Pub Association halted Happy Hour
discount drink prices last Friday. They had no choice. If cheaper
drink prices are allowed, it's only a matter of time before a Wal-
Bar opens on the edge of town and puts everyone out of business.
Bill Clinton visited the tsunami-ravaged area of Indonesia
Monday. He agreed with the decision to sell arms to Indonesia to
help them rebuild from the tidal wave. Anglo-Saxons instinctively
believe that Mother Nature only understands force.
The Washington Post said Monday Hillary Clinton won't
promise New York voters she will serve a full term if re-elected
to the Senate. Her schedule gives her away. She's either running
for president or she has lovers in Iowa and New Hampshire.
Members of Congress, it was reported Monday, disclosed two hundred previously unreported special interest trips after Tom DeLay's travel scandal broke. These fact-finding trips are necessary. No one knows where the answer to the Social Security crisis will be found so they might as well start looking for it in Jamaica.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton