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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review May 22, 2013/ 13 Sivan, 5773

Rules of the road from the DOD (Department of Dad)

By Greg Schwem



JewishWorldReview.com | I have dreaded this day ever since she got her driver's permit. It's one thing to let your daughter drive slowly around the neighborhood with her dad in the passenger seat repeating, "Slow. Slow. SLOW!!!" It's another to see her proudly displaying her license and imploring me to let her drive somewhere, anywhere, by herself.

I know she's heard the warnings about texting while driving, and she's seen the graphic movies and YouTube clips about the potential for disaster should she ever succumb to temptation in the car. But did her instructors cover EVERYTHING? I'm sure they did not. So, firstborn daughter, here is some advice from your dear old dad. Please read it over carefully before you shift into reverse and pull into our nation's terrifying roadways:

Even though you are allowed to take my car out for short trips, driving it to our curb to get the mail does not constitute a "trip."

If you ever see smoke wafting from beneath the hood, pull over and call me immediately. I will be right there, and together we will stare at the smoldering engine and agree that neither of us has any idea what to do.

All jokes aside, I doubt you've learned much about maintaining a vehicle. Occasionally, you should pop the hood and check fluid levels.

The previous sentence was completely foreign to you, wasn't it? Particularly the phrase, "pop the hood."

Despite what the label affixed to the gas cap says, never fill the car with premium gas. If the car stalls, a tow truck will still cost less than a tankful of unleaded premium.

Speaking of fuel costs, please take at least one high school class that will help you design an efficient, fuel-free automobile. I'm not sure what class that would be, but it's definitely not U.S. Geography, which just introduces you to exotic locations that will cost a fortune to drive to.

When driving my car, please remove all your trash once you exit the vehicle. I do not want your trash to get mixed up with my trash.

The radio will be tuned to one of two stations while you drive: National Public Radio or any frequency broadcasting religious sermons. I am not interested in starting the vehicle and having my eardrums blasted to smithereens by a band named Scum Maggots.

Incidentally, if Scum Maggots is performing a concert nearby, and you have a ticket, you will take public transportation. Any concert you drive to will include your dad as a passenger. Michael Buble is coming to our hometown in a few months. Interested?

Please program the following locations into the GPS: The grocery store, the drugstore and wherever your little sister needs to go.

Occasionally, I will let you drive my car to school. However, you are required to drive directly behind a school bus, which will serve as a constant reminder of transportation alternatives should you ever choose to return the car in anything other than its original state.

If you have a chance this summer, open the freezer and spend a few minutes chiseling ice off the interior walls with a screwdriver. You will be better prepared come January when you will be doing the same thing to the car's windshield.

If a teenage boy is ever in the vehicle, you may only take him to the following locations: church. If there are ever two teenage boys inside, the car better be parked in the driveway while all three of you listen to National Public Radio.

Finally, if these rules sound extreme, please remember that self-driving automobiles will be the norm in about 10 years. Enjoy this small window of opportunity.

Now, buckle up and be safe. Your little sister is waiting.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in Washington and in the media consider "must reading." Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.




Comment by clicking here.

Greg Schwem is a corporate stand-up comedian and author of "Text Me If You're Breathing: Observations, Frustrations and Life Lessons From a Low-Tech Dad".


Previously:



Euphoria and depression in a single spam folder
Kids, never let skills and competence stand in your way
An 'F' is a very 'Nobel' grade
The TV remote is Harvard's answer to birth control

© 2013, Greg Schwem Distributed by Tribune Media Services, Inc.

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