Jewish World Review April 26, 2012/ 4 Iyar, 5772
Motherhood, Hollywood style
By Celia Rivenbark
Bubbling about the joys of "premastication," Silverstone reported that Bear (what? You were expecting Michael or Jack? How very fly-over state of you) is so fond of this process that he "crawls across the room to attack my mouth if I'm eating."
Precious Lord, take me now.
And to think I used to feel guilty about cleaning the Princess's pacifier by wiping it on my shirt.
Now far be it from me to tell another mother how to feed her child.
No, I'm kidding; that's just gross. Wouldn't you hate to be at P.F. Chang's celebrating your birthday with free chocolate lava cake and see those two premasticating at the next table?
I'm guessing the "Clueless" actress must leave some mighty challenging instructions for the sitter: "Just chew up a vegan pizza and spit it into the kid's mouth every few hours, 'k?"
No. Not "k."
And what of birthday parties? Will sweet Bear tug on the shirttail of the birthday boy's mom and say, "Hey, lady, can you chew this cake up and spit it in my mouth?"
Let the wedgies and swirlies begin.
In the same "People" magazine article about "extreme parenting," actress Mayim Bialik was interviewed about her choice to breastfeed her 3-year-old son. I didn't think that was such a big deal, really. I once had a friend who said that the only reason she stopped nursing her son was because it was making him late for the bus in the morning.
Bialik is also a fan of "bed sharing" as is Angelina Jolie, who had a special room-sized bed constructed so the whole fam-damily can sleep together. What's the point of making all that money and owning all those houses if, at the end of the day, you're going to pile into the same bed like the flippin' Willy Wonka's?
Bialik also spurns diapers in favor of "elimination communication" in which she carefully reads the baby's expressions to determine when it's time for the potty. That sounds really earth-friendly and what else?
Oh, yeah. Crazy.
Also featured in the article was "Mad Men" actress January Jones who said that after the birth of her son, Xander, she needed extra energy and found it by taking capsules made from her very own dehydrated placenta. Apparently rich ladies don't know about those little bottles of 5-Hour Energy at the grocery checkout. Of course, placenta is probably safer but how could you be sure it was yours? (Doctor: "These pills? Yes of course they're made from your placenta. We kept yours safe in the special Movie Star Placenta Vault in case you'd ever need it.")