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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review May 10, 2012/ 18 Iyar, 5772

Have a seat . . . if you dare

By Celia Rivenbark

Celia Rivenbark




http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | (MCT) It's not easy being a girl.

The more I hang out in public restrooms the more obvious it becomes that only a man could've designed those toilet seat covers that are found mounted to the back wall of ladies' room stalls.

It should be noted that I'm talking the regular seat protectors, not those nutty plastic things that roll around like a steering wheel electronically. I get the intention but they never work. Ever.

Why is this so hard to get right? Why must it be such a god-awful ordeal to protect yourself from diseases and, if you believe Aunt Verlie, unwanted pregnancy?

If you're a woman, you know what I'm talking about…

REAL LIFE INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO USE A SEAT PROTECTOR IN A PUBLIC LADIES ROOM…

Step 1: Enter rest room, realize purse hook is missing and door lock doesn't work. Hang purse around neck rather than placing on floor where STDs lurk. Locate seat protector dispenser on wall behind toilet.

Step 2: Pull out seat protector. Discover that you have actually pulled out eight. Stuff extra seven protectors back into dispenser at odd angles. Sigh heavily. Realize that purse around neck just grazed toilet bowl water; curse loudly.

Step 3: Endure highhanded lecture from mother of toddler in next stall about use of profanity in front of children. Cheerily tell her to "@#$! off" and resume dealing with toilet seat protector.

Step 4: Hold tissue-thin seat protector at eye level to observe perforations. Attempt to "punch out" center hole only to discover perforations are apparently "faux" perforations and actually not perforations at all.

Step 5: Crumple and discard first attempt. Try again with second seat protector, and third, and fourth. Wipe sweat from perimenopausal brow with handily absorbent fifth seat protector. Winning!

Step 6: Give up and simply lay seat protector on the seat while manually punching out center "hole" swinging purse like ax as needed.

Step 7: Finally seated, protector in place, realize, too late, that you have completely missed the open hole in the center and now pee is trying to physically find its way back into your body.

Step 8: Marvel at how astronauts do this sort of thing in zero gravity. Imagine they don't do it with a purse slung around neck like world's largest goiter. Wusses.

Step 9: Give up, clean up, and use foot to coax soggy seat protector down into bowl. Realize that it is hopelessly stuck to shoe.

Step 10: Using hands, remove wet seat protector from shoe for, while icky, realize it will be far less embarrassing than trailing seat protector on shoe through Sbarro and past Chick-Fil-A sample lady.

Step 11: Emerge from stall and check reflection in mirror. Great. Tear-stained hag with blouse askew and purse with strange blue tint on the bottom.

Step 12: Wash hands for a very long time. Give sisterly smile to woman stepping into rest room. Hear her curse.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Comment by clicking here.

Celia Rivenbark is the New York Times bestselling author of “You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl.


Motherhood, Hollywood style
Parents, kids don't want you at games
Parents, kids don't want you at games
It was fine . . . until they called it 'pink slime'
She'll miss Walmart's 'aggressive hospitality'
Pageant mom wastes dollars, lacks sense
When counter intuitiveness fails
Dear older folks: Think before you ink
They let their thumbs do the walking . . . to the wrong phone
Congressional plans lacking horse sense
She's Forever Lazy, so butt out
It was famous while it lasted: Celebrities as marital guest stars
It's all about the ‘Sass-poles’
Mothers and daughters and books, oh my
Her Klout starts with a ‘k’
She's naming names . . . Smurf style
Copying her daughter? That's so Lohan!
A few swift kicks in the seat
Buy my %*&^ing book!
Shellacked in a foreign language
College degree can be had in 3 days
She'll take names, and then call them losers
I beg of you, spare the ‘Children’
Release the hoards
Brace yourself for a luxurious smile, and a big bill
Speaking her mind by pushing his buttons
She'll have another shot of mugs
Polygamy may only get one season
A picture is worth $1,000 for retouching
Not cancer, still a big fat pain
A text is worth 1,000 words
Ready for some laughs again
Now men don't have to work out either
Hormones rule home of Princess and mom
Add some oohing, cooing to your kitchen
Tweeting puppy a perfect pet … for twerps
Science fair spurs on hyper parents
Cat naps aren't all that popular among felines
Nightmare in the mall's dead zone
America: Cut out the need to be cute
Taking a page from a ‘Mad’ mother
She's adding truth serum to her Cap'n Crunch
Snuggie ensnares another victim, er, admirer
Florida can keep its snakes
She's homeless . . . but for $95 she can go home with your princess
Southern fish experiencing identity crises
Monkey baby big business for the small-minded
All mommixed up? Try keeping toes in a breath-mint tin
Thunder thighs finally get revenge
Where would I be without the digested read?
Butter buds: Julia and Celia
Facebook is for ‘old’ people, too, missy
Ch-ch-ch-changes
Getting refreshment not berry smooth in age of mass marketing
Reality show lowers her IQ to sub-dirt levels
Cuddle parties are the latest weird trend
Middle school is a whole new game and these players are vicious
If the first lady can dig in the dirt, why can't I?
Somehow, we've all lost our internal censors
Not to rub it in, Barbie, but you're old
Some things you probably don't need to know about your friends
Big family, big ratings, big mess
Fred Mertz for vice president
Women and tools are like grease, water
Runners are a different breed of folk altogether
Don't get all bento out of shape
For you, Princess? I'll buy junk
Gwyneth P. needs big ol' reality check
Reality show amuses yet repels viewer
Spying on kid at summer camp awfully fulfilling
Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so
Honesty in the name of fashion
Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers
Trendy new ailment not for everybody
What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook?
Shagadelic on the dance floor
Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing
Little wonder many voters are confused
Sound bites not easy in Southern
I swear it's not my fault
Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else
Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em
Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby
Driving under the influence of celebrity
Hugged your Webkinz today?
Hate mail spawned by humor columns
‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max!
Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from?
Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama
Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama
Office gossip is protected free speech
First-class corpse
Song lyrics have only gotten dumber
Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care
Being a happy human vessel has its limits
Who's not your daddy?
Phoning for dazzlers
Proper spelling begins at home
Sick of the waiting room
Road signs
Halt your motion toward the lotion
Sudoku's got my husband's number
One short stack of smarts, please
Spa me the kids
IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation
Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness
Girls' pajama parties a little different now
Welcome back for guilt-free manly man
A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs
Girls' pajama parties a little different now
When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome
Ageless icons can't escape their ages
Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy

Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’

© 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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