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Jewish World Review
May 17, 2012/ 25 Iyar, 5772
Nutty? Or just too much Nutella?
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | (MCT)
Hons, I've come into a bit of money. I don't like to brag but I did want y'all to be the first to know. I don't know the exact amount but let's just say it has been estimated to be somewhere between $4 and $20. Where WILL I spend my rightfully earned share of the Nutella class-action lawsuit proceeds? Hmmmm?
Thank heavens for that dingbat in San Diego, bless her heart, who sued the folks at Nutella for hoo-dooing her into thinking it was health food.
Yes, yes, I agree the ads touting Nutella as healthy because it includes "simple quality ingredients" were a tad deceptive if you're the kind of person who is prone to believing that it really is raining and not someone peeing on your head even though you can clearly see them doing it. I just hate that.
I shouldn't be so hard on her. After all, I believe we've established that my own little household will benefit financially from the lawsuit owing to the Princess's obsession with Nutella but, really. Who would believe that Nutella was good for you? Just because Europeans eat it by the ton and they're usually skinnier than us, that's just because they smoke more. Eat Nutella. Smoke. Eat Nutella. Smoke. Go to a museum.
Yodel. Eat more Nutella. That's all they do, am I right?
My obnoxious stereotyping aside, I have to admit that Nutella's manufacturer hasn't been quite as apologetic as you'd imagine. The website still claims that Nutella "encourages kids to eat whole grains as in whole grain toast." Ahem. Well, using that logic, one could also claim that black tar heroin could have some potential health benefits if smeared on whole-grain toast.
The jig is up, Nutella. Just own your decadence and wallow about in it.
I've been making the Princess Nutella and banana sandwiches for about eight years now. Truth? I hate the stuff. When I smear chocolate on bread it makes me gag a little because it's just such a weird concept to me. Chocolate belongs in pretty gold boxes, in fluffy meringue-topped pies and, of course, dense cakes frosted with even more chocolate.
According to the lawsuit, the plaintiff was surprised to discover that 2 tablespoons of Nutella contained 200 calories, 21 grams of sugar and 11 grams of fat. That's not so terrible until you realize that very few Nutella fans stop at 2 tablespoons. No, honey, that's just the preliminary licking of the spoon phase.
Since she had the hazelnuts, so to speak, to proceed with this lawsuit, the plaintiff gets a lot more money than the rest of us, which is as it should be. How much? A cool $3.5 million. I only hope that she will spend the money wisely, instead of, say, on way too many boxes of Froot Loops, which don't even contain real froot. I'd hate to be around when she figures that one out.
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