Jewish World Review May 7, 2012/ 15 Iyar, 5772
The News in Zingers
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | President Obama flew to Afghanistan to address U.S. troops Tuesday. This wasn't a stunt. The president had to go to Afghanistan because unless he's in a country where the women are covered from head to toe, the Secret Service loses interest in him and wanders off.
Virgin Atlantic publicized its new bar in Upper Class on its trans-Atlantic flights. The bar offers free champagne, loveseats and mood lighting. It's a big improvement over other airlines which check your mistress to see if she will fit in the overhead compartment.
The Pentagon released Osama bin Laden's taped conversations Thursday. He said he didn't think that the younger leaders could ever replace him. It just proves what young people have been saying, that Baby Boomers will have to be shot before those jobs open up.
President Obama admitted to a biographer Thursday that he made up a girlfriend in his autobiography, Dreams of My Father. He was untruthful. It's nothing that'll get him impeached but he's just been suspended for five years from the Oprah Winfrey Book Club.
John Edwards's aide testified Thursday he looked up Rielle Hunter's college records when she arrived. All he found were references to sex, drugs, rock music and astrology. She will complete her doctorate in Los Angeles Studies once she gets her own reality show.
Britain's border control agents threatened to strike on the eve of the Summer Games in London. They check all passports and bags. Americans were horrified to realize that if we hadn't declared out independence from Britain, we'd have border control agents today.
BP reached a U.S. court-approved settlement with all the claims from the Gulf oil spill accident. They'll pay eight billion dollars on top of what they already paid in clean-up costs and damages. The Obama Doctrine states that if you make a mistake we can loot you.
NBC News showed a photo of Barack Obama's security team watching the bin Laden raid last year. They look riveted. Hillary Clinton has her hand over her mouth and her eyes wide open in disbelief, the same look she has when Bill comes home before midnight.
President Obama told NBC he only got in nine holes of golf the day of the Osama bin Laden raid. He's been on TV more times and played more golf than any president in history. He took his oath of office with his left hand on the January issue of Celebrity Golfer.
U.S. Rep John Dingell announced he'll run for his twenty-ninth term in Congress. He's been there since Eisenhower's first term. It was a time you could watch the Mickey Mouse Club without wondering which ones were having affairs with their teachers in Los Angeles.
Occupy Wall Street protesters tried to shut down all business in Los Angeles on May Day. Their plans were foiled when it drizzled and no one showed up. People in L.A. take cover during drizzle because your career can be ended by frizzy hair in this town.
German police discovered digital files hidden on a porn movie Friday that contain al-Qaeda's future plans for attacks. It was a nice try. Al-Qaeda wrote the plans out on the actress's face where they thought nobody would notice it, but her mother called authorities.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton