Home
In this issue
April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review

She'll take names, and then call them losers

By Celia Rivenbark

Celia Rivenbark




http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Now that the royal wedding is over and I can finally stop using the word "fascinator" (British for "dead bird on the head") repeatedly just to sound cool, I can turn my full attention to something that has bothered me for ages: People who rush through the number when they want you to call them back.

It happens all the time. There's a long, slow, deliberate phone message by the pest control company/lawyer/fascinator designer (sorry!) and it is perfectly enunciated until the very end.

"It's very important that you call me back at gibberishgibberishgibberish...seven.)"

Are you just trying to mess with me?

So I get out pen and paper and replay the voice mail but there's no "slowmo" and it doesn't help all that much.

Was that "(gibberishgibberishgibberish…seven or, was it really "moofahlow"?)

Which is not a number. I don't think. Math was my worst subject. Also Social Studies, English and all of the Sciences.

So I replay it one more time. This time, all senses are on full alert.

When the Princess and her friends enter laughing, I practically weep because I could've sworn I got that last number this time.

"Quiet! Can't you see I'm trying to figure out a phone number?"

They look at each other and roll their eyes. To them, I might as well have wooden teeth and woolen underwear.

"Check caller I.D. list," one suggests.

It's true; they really are the future. Also the present.

But Caller I.D. is no help because it's just a main switchboard somewhere with no name attached. I'm not sure of the name of the person because, like the phone number part, it has been hurried through and sounds like "Bluetharp P. McThreadrington" or some such.

I only know one Bluetharp and I'm sure it's not him.

The cell phone has its own set of problems.

Yesterday, I got a text message from a number not in my address book that simply said: "Hey, Celia! I'll be in town soon. Can't wait to hook up!"

Something tells me it's not Oprah. Here's the thing: If I don't know you well enough to have you in my address book, then why would you think you could "hook up" with me?

Unless it really is Oprah in which case, yes, please do come on over.

And wear your fascinator.

One more communication-related yuk before I go. Reply all. Do I need 80 separate emails from strangers to know who is bringing the potato salad to the 8th grade picnic? You know what I'm talking about.

Someone puts out the call for sign ups and you end up with emails from people you don't know explaining that Susie has the flu and can't come (not sure who Susie is and where did she get the flu in flippin' MAY?) and 79 others carrying on their own back-and-forth on the whole potato salad issue.

Reply all is of the devil. Just sayin'.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here.


I beg of you, spare the ‘Children’
Release the hoards
Brace yourself for a luxurious smile, and a big bill
Speaking her mind by pushing his buttons
She'll have another shot of mugs
Polygamy may only get one season
A picture is worth $1,000 for retouching
Not cancer, still a big fat pain
A text is worth 1,000 words
Ready for some laughs again
Now men don't have to work out either
Hormones rule home of Princess and mom
Add some oohing, cooing to your kitchen
Tweeting puppy a perfect pet … for twerps
Science fair spurs on hyper parents
Cat naps aren't all that popular among felines
Nightmare in the mall's dead zone
America: Cut out the need to be cute
Taking a page from a ‘Mad’ mother
She's adding truth serum to her Cap'n Crunch
Snuggie ensnares another victim, er, admirer
Florida can keep its snakes
She's homeless . . . but for $95 she can go home with your princess
Southern fish experiencing identity crises
Monkey baby big business for the small-minded
All mommixed up? Try keeping toes in a breath-mint tin
Thunder thighs finally get revenge
Where would I be without the digested read?
Butter buds: Julia and Celia
Facebook is for ‘old’ people, too, missy
Ch-ch-ch-changes
Getting refreshment not berry smooth in age of mass marketing
Reality show lowers her IQ to sub-dirt levels
Cuddle parties are the latest weird trend
Middle school is a whole new game and these players are vicious
If the first lady can dig in the dirt, why can't I?
Somehow, we've all lost our internal censors
Not to rub it in, Barbie, but you're old
Some things you probably don't need to know about your friends
Big family, big ratings, big mess
Fred Mertz for vice president
Women and tools are like grease, water
Runners are a different breed of folk altogether
Don't get all bento out of shape
For you, Princess? I'll buy junk
Gwyneth P. needs big ol' reality check
Reality show amuses yet repels viewer
Spying on kid at summer camp awfully fulfilling
Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so
Honesty in the name of fashion
Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers
Trendy new ailment not for everybody
What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook?
Shagadelic on the dance floor
Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing
Little wonder many voters are confused
Sound bites not easy in Southern
I swear it's not my fault
Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else
Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em
Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby
Driving under the influence of celebrity
Hugged your Webkinz today?
Hate mail spawned by humor columns
‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max!
Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from?
Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama
Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama
Office gossip is protected free speech
First-class corpse
Song lyrics have only gotten dumber
Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care
Being a happy human vessel has its limits
Who's not your daddy?
Phoning for dazzlers
Proper spelling begins at home
Sick of the waiting room
Road signs
Halt your motion toward the lotion
Sudoku's got my husband's number
One short stack of smarts, please
Spa me the kids
IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation
Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness
Girls' pajama parties a little different now
Welcome back for guilt-free manly man
A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs
Girls' pajama parties a little different now
When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome
Ageless icons can't escape their ages
Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy

Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’

© 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

Columnists

Toons

Lifestyles