Jewish World Review May 30, 2011 / 26 Iyar, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The Weather Channel aired footage of spectacular lightning strikes in the night sky above Indiana Friday. It capped four days of thunder, lightning, hail and tornadoes that crossed America. It looked and sounded we won a free game when the national debt hit fourteen trillion.
The Mars Spirit Rover shut down on Thursday after roaming the surface of the Red Planet for six years. It sent back a treasure trove of geological and biological data. Scientists want to learn whether or not there is life on Mars, and if there is, if Arnold Schwarzenegger is the father.
Tiger Woods' agent Mark Steinberg left Cleveland's famed IMG Sports marketing firm last week and took Tiger with him. They're looking for marketing ideas. Tiger Woods and Arnold and John Edwards should do a fishing show together this fall as long as they're in the same boat.
The CIA searched Osama bin Laden's house for more evidence Friday. They already found his hair dye, his porn stash, his erection pills and tapes of himself on TV. To people in Los Angeles, it's just more evidence that our similarities far outweigh our differences in this world.
President Obama spoke to a combined House of Commons and Lords at Westminster Hall after Tuesday's banquet. The president got along especially well with Queen Elizabeth. They enjoyed comparing notes on ways the Tea Parties are always trying to end their rule in America.
The Justice Department threatened to halt Texas air travel if the state passes a law banning TSA scanners from groping women in line at airport security. It's an issue of state sovereignty. Under the Texas state constitution only football stars have the right to grope women at random.
The Supreme Court upheld Arizona's new immigration law that punishes employers who hire illegal aliens. Employers may legally check the birth certificate of each and every worker. It just wasn't practical to have Donald Trump fly out to Arizona and challenge each and every case.
Senator Jim Inhofe said Friday that President Obama needed to be mentally diagnosed for arrogance after a recent speech. You don't need a shrink to figure it out. Having a twelve-piece orchestra strike up whenever you enter a room makes every president think he's Frank Sinatra.
U.S. Congressman Barney Frank admitted Thursday he helped a boyfriend land a job at the government lender Fannie Mae in Washington D.C. It gets more sordid. It turns out that the Greek statues standing in front of the bank are male strippers that Barney met at Chippendale's.
Japan banned fishing off its northeast coast Thursday after Greenpeace found radioactive sea life. Fish and shellfish displayed high traces of radioactive iodine. Nowadays it's really difficult to enjoy sushi in Los Angeles because the fish is already microwaved when they catch it.
Illinois former governor Rod Blagojevich testified in Chicago Tuesday where he's on trial for misleading federal investigators. He bragged about all the quality of life legislation he got passed. Smoking in a restaurant is now a fifty dollar fine in Illinois, same as lying to the FBI.
Peter Fonda's new documentary rips President Obama for not doing more to clean up last year's Gulf oil spill. Not everyone's unhappy about the sloppy clean-up. Some Baby Boomers tried the shrimp last night in New Orleans and they no longer creak when they get out of the car.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton