Jewish World Review May 24, 2011 / 20 Iyar, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Maria Shriver hired a top Century City divorce lawyer Thursday to handle her split with Arnold. If this is done right, she won't have to split her talk show money with Arnold and he won't have to split his movie money with Maria. Nobody gets killed in Brentwood this time.
Newt Gingrich's cell phone went off during a speech in Iowa on Friday and the ring tone played Abba's Dancing Queen. Last weekend he dissed the GOP budget plan, he was revealed to owe five hundred grand to Tiffany's, and he has a gay disco anthem for his ring tone. It turns out Newt's only running for president to get enough publicity to be elected governor of California.
IMF chief Dominique Strauss-Kahn was released on bail Friday after he was indicted for sexual assault on a hotel maid. He must wear a tracking device and stay in an apartment with his wife. She's learned the hard way she needs to play hard-to-get to keep the spice in the marriage.
Princeton professor Cornell West roiled his own African-American community Thursday by calling Obama a puppet of Wall Street. He said he's sold out black people. The professor said he is tired of the president playing the white man's game, but why bring hockey into this?
California reported twelve percent unemployment Friday sparking White House concern for Obama's re-election. It's seen as a failure of his stimulus package. He said it'd produce thousands of shovel-ready jobs for California but Hugh Hefner and Larry King just refuse to die.
The SEC gave a million dollar reward to a Wall Street whistleblower who busted a hedge fund operator for insider trading. In two years we've adopted the East German economic model. The only way to make real money in America is to sell out your friends to the authorities.
Ron Paul stood by his libertarian beliefs on Sunday news shows, repeating his call for the legalization of marijuana and cocaine and prostitution. He's drawing tremendous support from college-aged voters. They think if he wins, the victory party will be at Charlie Sheen's house.
Patrick Kennedy discusses his drug and alcohol addiction on CNN Sunday. He drank and smoked pot and snorted coke and ingested pain-killing pills for a reason. He wanted to be the first Kennedy to demonstrate that you don't have to cheat on your wife to have a good time.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton