Jewish World Review May 19, 2011 / 15 Iyar, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted Tuesday he had a child out of wedlock with his family maid in Brentwood ten years ago. This is a kid that could someday rule the world. Just think, if that boy is half-German and half-Mexican there isn't a border in the world that can stop him.
The Pentagon released photos of Osama bin Laden's private porn stash Friday. Also, he dyed his hair, took potency pills, smoked pot and liked to watch himself on TV. Each day it becomes clearer and clearer that he didn't attack Los Angeles out of professional courtesy.
Iran was reported Tuesday to be building intermediate missile bases in Venezuela. This could force Obama to choose between protecting the United States and winning the Latino vote. If Americans had any equity left in their houses they'd borrow it to build a bomb shelter.
Newt Gingrich apologized to Rep. Paul Ryan for calling his Medicare plan right-wing social engineering. It may be too late. Republican fundraising dinners now charge five thousand dollars to have your picture taken with Newt Gingrich and fifty thousand dollars to destroy the negatives afterward.
Donald Trump dropped out of the presidential race Monday after NBC offered him a ton of money for Celebrity Apprentice. That's how you deal with TV executives. If Charlie Sheen had known that running for president could get you four million an episode, he'd be proposing a health care plan that just takes cash.
Ron Paul defended his libertarian views on Fox News Sunday, admitting he's in favor of the legalization of pot and cocaine and heroin. Conservatives are horrified. Take the illegal money out of the drug trade and it'll be just one more industry in America that's not profitable.
The Auto Club tried Monday to reassure Americans wracked by high gas prices and predicted that gas prices will fall fifty cents a gallon in the two weeks leading up to Memorial Day. Things aren't as bad as they could be. People would be totally unable to afford to drive to work if they had jobs.
Cincinnati Bengals star Chad Ochocinco tried riding a bull at a Professional Bull Riders event on Saturday. Bull riding is way too dangerous for NFL players. Ben Roethlisberger was thrown off a motorcycle but at least it didn't circle around afterwards and try to kill him.
Houston Astros owner Drayton McLane sold the team to Houston businessman Jim Crane Monday for six hundred and eighty million dollars. You can only imagine what the Dodgers would be worth. The current ownership opened the mezzanine to Mexican street gangs in order to give the franchise a higher street value.
The Corps of Engineers opened spillways on the Mississippi River Monday to save the oil refineries down river. Mississippi farms were swept under water. If George W. Bush had flooded out black farmers to save oil refineries, Michael Moore would have won an Oscar for it.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton