Jewish World Review May 18, 2011 / 14 Iyar, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The White House showed the porno Osama bin Laden kept in his house Friday. So he enjoyed marijuana, watching himself on TV and porno actresses. The Navy SEALs were ordered to either assassinate bin Laden or bring him back to to star in Two and a Half Men.
White House former Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was sworn in as mayor of Chicago Monday. The president really misses him. If Rahm Emanuel were still White House chief of staff, they'd fish bin Laden out of the water and kill him every Sunday until Election Day.
IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn was arrested in NY for sexual assault on his hotel maid. He thought he'd take advantage of an uneducated, low-income woman. He didn't realize the job market is so bad that the maid he assaulted has a law degree from Harvard.
French Socialists expressed shock at the charges against Dominique Strauss-Kahn in New York. He emerged from his shower and tried to have sex with the maid. This just ruined Bill Clinton's chances of being named as the next head of the International Monetary Fund.
Jerry Lewis was given the exit from his annual Labor Day Telethon raising money for MDA. He was pushed out even though he raised sixty million last year. They'd rather let the disease take its course than watch Jerry Lewis perform his cane routine one more time.
Disney applied for a trademark Monday for SEAL Team Six, which raided bin Laden's compound. Picture a Disneyland ride where U.S. commandos drop from helicopters and kill unarmed terrorists in their underwear. That's why they call it the Happiest Place on Earth.
Donald Trump announced Monday he will not run for president. NBC had just stated they'd re-cast The Apprentice and do the show without him as host. Donald Trump is the first presidential candidate ever to quit a race to spend more time with his contestants.
Mike Huckabee said Saturday he won't run for U.S. president two days before Donald Trump said he won't run, and it looks like Sarah Palin won't run. They all have their own TV show. Nobody gives up the highest office in the land to become the Commander in Chief.
Texas lawmakers banned the TSA from patting down passenger's sex organs Friday but the TSA says the law is on its side. The TSA has the advantage in this argument. They can place the Texas lawyers on the no-fly list as soon as the case gets to the Supreme Court.
Senator John Kerry flew to Islamabad Monday to help repair relations with Pakistan and to retrieve the top-secret remains of the U.S. stealth helicopter left behind in Osama bin Laden's yard. Kerry negotiated the release of the tail-piece. Isn't that Bill Clinton's job?
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton