Jewish World Review May 16, 2011 / 12 Iyar, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | A Kansas City minister posted a photo of a TSA agent at Kansas City's airport frisking an eight-month-old infant in his mother's arms. It's crazy. The only explanation could be that the TSA agents thought he was the E-Trade baby and they were torturing him for stock tips.
House Republicans proposed allowing oil drilling off the West Coast Wednesday. It's all here. If people knew how much oil there was beneath Los Angeles Lindsay Lohan would not be stealing necklaces from jewelry stores, she'd be diagonal drilling under them.
Forbes listed Tom Brady's eighteen million dollar salary as tops in the NFL, however he made just a third of what his wife Giselle Bundchen makes as a supermodel. Her income is a lot more secure than his income. No NFL owner ever locked out a supermodel.
President Obama courted Hispanics Tuesday, offering citizenship to anyone who will register, pay their back taxes and learn English. The president and the crowd share an unbreakable bond. They all bought their birth certificates in MacArthur Park in Los Angeles.
Pakistan's government gave U.S. intelligence agencies permission to interview Osama bin Laden's three widows on Wednesday. The assassination restored their faith in God. The very week they are widowed they find out that Arnold Schwarzenegger is single again.
Bill Clinton backed Pakistan as an ally Monday while admitting Pakistan has anti-U.S. factions. He said the U.S. relationship with Pakistan is complicated. And no one understands complicated relationships like the man whose business cards read, Every Woman's Plan B.
Michelle Obama invited rap star Common to the White House Wednesday for Poetry Day. His lyrics have saluted cop killers, derogated white women, and called for the burning of President Bush. He was at the White House to kick off his campaign for Mayor of Detroit.
Delta Airlines endured another nutty passenger Wednesday on a Boston flight. The second passenger in one week tried to walk out of the plane through the emergency door at forty thousand feet. The FAA has just ordered all airlines to stop running that re-make of Arthur.
The Mississippi River flooding headed south from Memphis Tuesday and shut down sixteen Indian casinos along the river. The hotel owners were very reluctant to board up and evacuate. They enjoy their best quarterly earnings when the casinos are full of fish.
Osama bin Laden's son Omar bin Laden on Thursday accused the U.S. of assassinating his father without a trial. He plans to sue the United States. As soon as he files the lawsuit he is going to learn the same lesson that his father learned, it's the discovery that kills you.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton