Jewish World Review May 12, 2011 / 8 Iyar, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | President Obama told CBS' 60 Minutes he did not lose any sleep over his order to kill bin Laden. He ordered the terrorist shot on sight. No one knows how much American history he studied as a child in Indonesia but we know he got as far as the Wild West.
The Auto Club predicted Monday that gas prices at the pump could drop seventy-five cents a gallon by the start of summer. In Los Angeles, gasoline is approaching five dollars a gallon. It's costing people ten dollars to burn down their houses for the insurance money.
McDonald's announced a billion-dollar interior re-design in its U.S. restaurants. They will have leather chairs, muted colors, sit-down counters, flat-screen TVs, and Internet access. The only way Starbucks will be able to compete is to put marijuana in the brownies.
Brett Favre told reporters Sunday he's interested in becoming a TV broadcast booth analyst for NFL football games this fall. It's his only option. He has a large cotton farm in Mississippi and the crop is already tired of him always threatening to retire from farming.
Hugh Hefner and Crystal Harris sent out the invitations to their June wedding at the Playboy Mansion Monday. He's eighty-five and she's twenty-five. The invitations asked attendees to wear white in order to match the bride's dress and the groom's hospital gown.
The London Times ran photos of Osama bin Laden's bedroom Sunday which showed he kept a bottle of liquid anti-impotence medication next to his bed. It's called Venus Juice, made from an Asian herb. The stuff is so potent it could make the Twin Towers stand up again.
Marvel Comics enjoyed a new movie hit last weekend when Thor smashed its way to the top of the box office. He was the Viking god of lightning. All last week Thor got an avalanche of free publicity because every Navy SEAL interviewed on TV looked just like him.
A Brooklyn newspaper apologized for editing Hillary Clinton out of the photo showing Obama's security team watching the Navy SEALs kill bin Laden in real time. Her hand is over her mouth. The camera catches her realizing that Obama could get re-elected.
A Continental flight to Chicago had to be diverted to St. Louis Saturday. A man tried to walk out of the airplane through the emergency door at thirty thousand feet. If you thought airport security was slow before, just wait til they start screening for mental stability.
Dublin's Church of the Assumption issued a prayer Sunday for the soul of Osama bin Laden. He's doing just fine. When he arrived in hell the devil experienced that fear so well-known in Hollywood that there's always a younger one coming along to take your job.
The White House revealed Monday that Britain's elite Special Air Service will join U.S. Special Forces in killing al-Qaeda leaders. Now that they've captured bin Laden's hard drive they have the names and addresses of every vicious killer on every continent in the world. Charles Manson just asked to be put in solitary confinement for his own protection.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton