Jewish World Review May 10, 2011 / 6 Iyar, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Michael Moore gave an angry interview to CNN Friday accusing the U.S. of assassinating Osama bin Laden. He was just cranky because the 7-Eleven in Hollywood had been closed for a week. Apparently there was a death in the family.
BP paid a fine to the U.S. government Friday to settle an old offshore spill in Alaska. It was the last fine for a while. President Obama lost the moral high ground on offshore drilling last week when he started dumping fish food into the ocean that may contain lead.
New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices slide on news of the death of Osama bin Laden. His very existence had maintained Mideast tensions and pushed up oil prices for ten years. If Detroit had any decency at all they'd name an electric car after him.
General Motors posted its biggest quarterly profit in ten years Friday, making three billion dollars in earnings. They did it by selling large trucks and SUVs. Democrats are beginning to wonder if President Obama wears a bracelet inscribed What Would Bush Do?
Osama bin Laden's papers revealed he was planning a train attack along the lines of the Twin Towers attack. This speaks to the quality of the pot in his garden. It has to be pretty good stuff to let you think it's feasible to hijack a train and drive it into a skyscraper.
The U.S. asked Pakistan Friday to return the stealth chopper the SEALs left burning in bin Laden's yard. It offers an explanation as to why he offered no resistance. Bin Laden woke up, looked out the window, saw the flames, and just assumed he had already died.
South Carolina's GOP debate turned Herman Cain in a party star Thursday. The local GOP focus groups all said the black business executive won. The feeling was unanimous among South Carolina's Republicans that he could be our first African-American president.
President Obama touted the quarter-million new jobs reported Friday at a speech in Indianapolis. However, one-fourth of the new jobs were for McDonald's new graveyard shift. The rest are emergency room nurses trained to treat McDonald's-related illnesses.
The Postal Service announced Friday it will pinpoint post offices for closure in June due to reduced demand. That could turn around. Gas is so expensive that it'll soon be cheaper for people to mail themselves to wherever they're going on vacation this summer.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton