Jewish World Review May 4, 2011 / 30 Nissan, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Osama bin Laden was tracked down and killed in a firefight with U.S. Navy seals at his hideout in Pakistan on Sunday. It just wasn't his day. First he gets killed here on earth and then the next thing he knows he's being greeted in Paradise by seventy-two Virginians.
President Obama ordered U.S. Navy Seals to chopper into Pakistan and kill Osama bin Laden Sunday after discovering his hideout last fall. Why did he wait so long? If he'd turned imperialist only a month earlier, he might have been invited to the Royal Wedding.
President Obama watched the bin Laden raid from the White House on a live TV feed transmitted through helmet cams worn by the Navy Seals. He witnessed the entire firefight in real time. Everyone in Oslo's mortified to realize they gave the Nobel Peace Prize to Jack Bauer.
Osama bin Laden was found in a home a mile from a golf club and Pakistan's military academy. Nice digs. When President Obama heard that bin Laden was near a golf course, it took the Secret Service to prevent him from getting on the helicopter with the Navy Seals.
Pakistan said Sunday they didn't know bin Laden was hiding in Abbottabad. He was in a high-security, high-walled estate in a slum neighborhood. U.S. astronauts will split the twenty-five million dollar reward for noticing something fishy from the Space Station.
The CIA tracked Osama bin Laden to a mansion in Pakistan that didn't have Internet and didn't any have telephone service. How thrifty. He was able to save three hundred dollars a month in utilities by having sex with the woman physically in the room with him.
The Pentagon conducted identity tests on Osama bin Laden's corpse before burying him at sea Sunday. They went over him from head to toe. They knew it was him but they just had to make sure there was no oil in him before they dumped him into the ocean.
The Pentagon told how the Seals identified bin Laden Sunday when they stormed the compound. They asked his wife if the man in bed with her was Osama. Now everyone in the White House is hoping we didn't send in our elite U.S. Navy fighters to kill a pool boy.
Osama bin Laden was buried at sea in a solemn ceremony Sunday after he was killed by U.S. Navy Seals in a CIA-planned raid. For our intelligence services it was a mixed bag. They placed his body on a board and lowered it into the water, but he still isn't talking.
U.S. Navy Seals loaded Osama bin Laden's corpse on their helicopter after killing him Sunday. They cleaned the body according to Islamic burial custom, then tossed it into the ocean. Two hours later the first class of sharks graduated from terrorist training camp.
Osama bin Laden left behind a martyr's audiotape to be played in case he was killed. He was relieved to die. His lifelong dream was to destroy the United States but in the end, seventy million Baby Boomers proved to be just too much competition for him.
Prince William and Kate capped the royal wedding day Friday by driving off on their honeymoon in an Aston Martin convertible as millions cheered. The video reveals he wasn't wearing his seatbelt. It shows once again that the apple never falls far from the tree.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton