Jewish World Review May 3, 2011 / 29 Nissan, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Superman renounced his U.S. citizenship in Action Comics to pander to Iran's ruling regime. He wants to be seen as a global superhero. If Jimmy Carter couldn't rescue U.S. hostages from Teheran, Barack Obama will never get them out of the Fortress of Solitude.
Apple's new all-white iPhone sold out in the United States and China within hours of going on sale Friday. These things have gotten way too popular. Every tornado warning in the South now begins by ordering everybody under thirty to look up from their iPhones.
McDonald's announced plans to open seven hundred new restaurants in China. The weight gain could throw us out of orbit. If scientists begin to notice that the earth is wobbling like a knuckleball you'll know Chicken McNuggets have really caught on in China.
President Obama flew to Cape Canaveral Friday to talk with America's last astronaut crew in the Space Shuttle program. We spent a hundred billion dollars to build the space station and now the only way to get there is to hitchhike. A lot of homeowners know the feeling.
CBS News reporter Lara Logan discussed being sexually assaulted by Egyptian pro-democracy mobs on 60 Minutes Sunday, saying the men raped her with their hands. Egyptians are well on their way to achieving self-government. They've already mastered airport security.
The FAA reshuffled top management Friday after firing seven air traffic controllers for sleeping in the tower on the job. Let's not waste good people. A poll shows that seventy percent of Americans want the fired air traffic controllers rehired as IRS auditors.
Delta Airlines baggage handlers in Detroit were charged Wednesday with smuggling cocaine into Detroit with intent to distribute from Caribbean airports. It's a mystery. No one can figure out who'd ever want to stay up all night in a city as depressing as Detroit.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton