Jewish World Review May 28, 2010 / 15 Sivan 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
New York's selection to host a cold weather Super Bowl was seen as a break for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Sideline reporters will have to wear four extra layers of clothing. This could give Ben Roethlisberger enough time to consider the consequences.
The White House denied wrongdoing Monday when Joe Sestak said they offered him a cushy federal job to drop out of his Senate primary race with Arlen Specter. So that's how it's done. Now everybody in the country wants to run against Arlen Specter.
Toyota admitted its acceleration problems caused ninety deaths last year. They know what they're doing. Toyota thinks if they can kill enough Americans maybe they can convince North Korea not to bomb their factories out of professional courtesy.
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs berated White House reporters Tuesday, saying they ask way too many questions about the oil spill. Obama can't believe he is being blamed for an oil spill. It's not like he caused a hurricane the way Bush did.
British Petroleum tried to plug the oil leak by pumping mud and concrete through a pipe into the rig. They showed it on the Internet. So far the rig has attracted twenty-six marriage proposals, two threesies invitations and an obscenity indictment.
President Obama flew to the Gulf Coast Friday to check out the progress in the oil spill. He's fighting the perception that his response was passive, which isn't fair. The Obama administration has been following the oil spill, but only on Twitter.
Alaska had an oil spill on the tundra when a pipeline ruptured Tuesday. There is no outrage from Alaskans. Every Alaskan gets a share of the state's oil royalties, unlike Louisiana where you have to pretend to be injured in order to get any oil money.
North Korea's Kim Jong Il threatened a missile attack on South Korea and Japan and Southern California Wednesday. He drinks Cognac, takes Viagra and dates teenage women. He's that guy who is always sitting next to Jack Nicholson at the Lakers games.
China refused to crack down on North Korea for sinking South Korea's ship. Beijing is afraid tough sanctions will cause millions of North Koreans to come pouring over the border into their country. If there's one thing China's learned from California it's that it's financial suicide to be a welfare state with an open border.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton