Jewish World Review May 21, 2010 / 8 Sivan 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Charlie Sheen signed a deal to stay on the series Two and a Half Men Wednesday, making him TV's highest paid actor. CBS agreed to pay Charlie two million dollars an epsiode for the next two years. By episode they mean each separate police incident.
Arizona threatened to cut off electricity to Los Angeles Tuesday if L.A. expands its boycott. It could set off a scramble. Right now Los Angeles gets one-fourth of its electricity from Arizona and three-fourths of its electricity from the Cali cartel.
President Obama ripped Arizona's immigration law on Wednesday at a White House press conference with Mexico's President Felipe Calderon. The criticism came as no surprise. President Obama's favorite bookstore in Los Angeles is Porous Borders.
The German Stock Exchange clamped down on stock speculation and market hedging in Germany. They banned the practice of naked short-selling. Without even knowing what naked short-selling means, the San Francisco City Council voted to boycott Germany.
NASA astronauts flew to the Space Station Monday as Congress considered NASA budget cuts. How brutal is the competition for tax dollars? Medicare and NASA are thinking of solving their budget problems by firing the elderly into space.
Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal confessed that he didn't serve in Vietnam as he claimed. He got five deferments and did Reserve duty while working on Capitol Hill. Oliver Stone directed a war movie about him called Full Dinner Jacket.
The Big Ten considered adding Missouri, Nebraska and Notre Dame Monday. They'd play Ohio State, Michigan and Penn State in football every year. Colleges are so obsessed with equality that everyone feels a duty to finish each season five and five.
Iceland's volcano began spewing again Monday, shutting down airports in Britain and Ireland. Many evangelicals are upset. Between all the ash in the air and all the oil in the water, a lot of people think the Apocalypse happened and they missed it.
Yale issued a faculty rulebook Monday which bans professors from sleeping with students. It's bad. If professors want to use their institutionalized power to take advantage of impressionable young women they can run for Congress like everybody else.
State Department official Michael Posner apologized to China for Arizona's immigration law at a human rights forum. This White House has condemned Israel, questioned the U.S. nuclear arsenal and confessed to human rights violations. Iran complained to the U.N. that President Obama is using spy satellites to steal their monologue material.
Miss USA Rima Fakih may lose her crown after photos surfaced of her imitating a stripper. Four past Miss USAs have been stripped of their crown for nude photos and hard partying. Lindsay Lohan is suing the pageant for appropriating her likeness.
BP's Tony Hayward said the high grade of the crude in the oil spill won't cause much eco-damage. This isn't Exxon Valdez crude. However, he went a little far when he said the crude oil is so light and so sweet the gulf shrimp won't even need cocktail sauce.
GM posted a first quarter profit of eight hundred million dollars Monday. They disposed of their debt in bankruptcy and stayed running thanks to a taxpayer takeover. GM accounting is so creative they just sold the film rights to the Chevy Malibu.
The New York Racing Association ran out of money Monday and may shut down after the Belmont. It's unbelievable that anyone could operate New York's only three horse tracks and still lose money. A race track is a place where windows clean people.
The Cincinnati Reds honored Willie Mays, Billie Jean King and Harry Belafonte on Human Rights Night before Saturday's home game. They had to be flown in from Los Angeles. Baseball would have honored the three before a game at Dodger Stadium, but Dodger fans don't arrive til the third inning and it would have looked like a boycott.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton