Jewish World Review May 4, 2010 / 20 Iyar 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Venezuela's Hugo Chavez seized three beer breweries and two sugar mills Tuesday after seizing the oil companies. He now controls the beer, sugar, oil and cocaine in his country. As energy policies go, it's a lot more popular than Drill, Baby, Drill.
The Gulf of Mexico oil spill spread Thursday, threatening sea life and wildlife from Louisiana to Florida. You can see where this is going. Between the oil spills and the coal mine accidents, nuclear power is starting to look as safe as baby shampoo.
Louisiana declared a state of emergency Thursday and the governor asked for the National Guard to help deal with the threat from the oil spill. The negative side effects are numerous. The oil could mix with the cotton and grow polyester right out of the swamp.
Congressman Jose Serrano demanded Friday that Major League Baseball move next year's All-Star game out of Arizona to protest the immigration law. It would be terrible to cancel the All-Star game. It's the only time that illegal aliens are allowed to vote.
Senator Harry Reid trailed all GOP candidates in Nevada Thursday. It's a great state. Nevada was settled when Old West prospectors found gold bracelets, gold earrings and gold teeth in the High Sierras and word spread they had discovered a whorehouse.
The United Nations voted Thursday to put Iran on the U.N. Commission on the Status of Women. Iranian law allows the public stoning and lashing of women convicted of immodesty. If Iran was a nightclub it would filled with Republican donors every night.
Noah's Ark Ministries announced Thursday that evangelical explorers found Noah's Ark on Mt. Ararat in Turkey. They say that carbon dating verified the wood's age. Two of every creature were onboard, attracted by the all-inclusive price and no tipping.
President Obama disinvited Tony Perkins and Franklin Graham from National Day of Prayer events Thursday. America is a majority Protestant nation and the president is disinviting Protestants from the National Day of Prayer. It may have been a mistake to fire Greg Craig as White House Counsel and replace him with Jack Kevorkian.
Conan O'Brien ripped Jay Leno Sunday for taking back the Tonight Show. He can't understand why NBC took the show away from him after he tanked the ratings. Conan graduated from Harvard where he learned the importance of good East Coast connections, and Jay graduated from the Comedy Store where he learned that your option comes up after each joke.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton