Jewish World Review May 31, 2010 / 18 Sivan 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Lindsay Lohan was ordered to quit drinking by Judge Marsha Revel Tuesday. Talk about a Hollywood ending. Lindsay's going to Texas to play a porn star and make a fortune while the judge is going to lose her pension because California is bankrupt.
British Petroleum pumped dirt and concrete into the gushing Gulf of Mexico oil leak to try to plug it. It's a win-win. If it works it saves the wildlife and if it doesn't work we're about a week away from having the world's largest oil storage tank.
New York got the Super Bowl over Phoenix and New Orleans Tuesday. Phoenix lost due to Mexican unrest and New Orleans lost due to the oil spill. Terrorists were humiliated to hear they've been downgraded to the third-worst thing that could happen.
Democrat Joe Sestak says the White House offered him a federal job to drop out of the Pennsylvania Senate race. Every day he admits someone offered him a job. The White House never should've enlisted British Petroleum to get him to stop talking.
The Miss America Pageant got a new network TV contract starting in January on ABC. Pageant officials said Tuesday they plan to drill as deeply as they can into the girls to find out who they really are. If they strike silicone the contestant is disqualified.
British Petroleum pumped mud and concrete into its gushing well to try to plug the Gulf of Mexico oil leak Wednesday. There are indications the oil is headed for Florida. Shamu was fired at SeaWorld in Orlando on Tuesday and replaced by Moby Slick.
Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal was denied his request to build barrier islands to catch the oil. The EPA is micromanaging BP's use of dispersants. They want the chemicals placed precisely so that from the air the oil spill spells out Bush's Fault.
The Department of Commerce said the economic damage to the Gulf of Mexico will not likely be cleaned up by the end of the year. Novelty toymakers are ready. This Christmas the singing plastic fish Billy Bass will perform selections from Grease.
Mexico's state of Sonora aired a commercial threatening the safety of Arizona tourists. It's a moot point. The only Americans who visit Mexico these days are Democratic candidates from California, and they only go to shake hands with the voters.
South Korea started broadcasting acid rock songs over loudspeakers into North Korea Monday to agitate them. It totally backfired. Within the week the entire North Korean army was using mushrooms, having sex in the park, and living off their parents.
The Republican Party set up a new website called Listening to America where Americans can post their ideas for policies to solve America's problems. The announcement really ticked off the president. Any time a Republican uses the word American three times in a sentence he thinks they're questioning his citizenship.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton