Jewish World Review May 26, 2009 / 3 Sivan 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
John Hinckley asked a judge for a driver's license that he can use during his hospital furloughs. He shot President Reagan and Press Secretary James Brady. If he's caught driving without a license he could get locked up for life under the Three Strikes law.
The Senate Finance Committee proposed a huge excise tax increase on liquor and wine and beer Friday. Snack food is next. They won't be happy until there's a meter on the side of your head so they can charge you five dollars for every impure thought.
Joint Chiefs Chairman Mike Mullen told the Senate Thursday that Afghanistan's poppy crop is financing the Taliban. It stirred debate. Republicans were quick to point out that if we were to deregulate the domestic heroin industry we could bring those jobs back home.
Congress voted Thursday not to pursue House Speaker Nancy Pelosi's charges the CIA lied to her on torture. She's third in line for the presidency. Every Easter when the president is resurrected, she and Joe Biden are always a little disappointed.
Arnold Schwarzenegger lost all his referendums last week trying to raise taxes in California. His movie career is over and his approval rating has tanked. If he was any less popular Mel Brooks's next musical would be Springtime for Schwarzenegger.
New York Mets officials called a plumber during a game at Citi Field last week after a woman got her hand stuck in a toilet trying to retrieve a lost gold tooth. It ended up being a win-win. The woman got her hand back and Citibank told the Treasury Department they want to take the stress test again now that they have gold reserves.
The White House proposed fuel standards for cars made in America that will make them a ton lighter when they are built in seven years. Every five hundred pounds of reduced car weight results in an extra eight hundred highway deaths a year. Federal mileage standards have killed so many Americans they have been put on the no-fly list.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2009, Argus Hamilton